


A Mess You'd Wear With Pride

by wook77



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-22
Updated: 2012-11-17
Packaged: 2017-11-05 19:41:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 30,936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/410277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wook77/pseuds/wook77
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Desperate times call for desperate measures and there isn't much more desperate than a Reaper Invasion. Anderson does what he has to and so does Kaidan.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Anderson

**Author's Note:**

> Written for a request at the Kink Meme. [here](http://masseffectkink.livejournal.com/4499.html?thread=12476819). 
> 
> Request: _So, Anderson is worried about Shepard and comes to the conclusion that Shepard needs to have a deep emotional connection, something to live for, something to love, in order for the fight against the Reapers to succeed._
> 
>  
> 
> _Kaidan is a good Alliance soldier who'll do anything for the sake of the mission._
> 
>  
> 
> _Anderson orders Kaidan to be that person for Shepard._
> 
>  
> 
>  _Kaidan finds it difficult for whatever range of reasons Anon chooses. Didn't think he was gay. Not over Horizon and having to fight his own doubts and feelings about it as well as Shepard's. Freaked out by Shepard's cybernetics, but having to reassure Shepard about them._
> 
> Beta'd by Reddwarfer. Title shamelessly stolen from "I Go to the Barn" by Band of Horses.

Anderson's a strong man with strong convictions, stronger even than he'd ever thought he was. He's had so many things happen but he's always felt hopeful, even when dodging Reapers and the invading ground forces, because Shepard's been out there. Some of the top brass might think that Anderson's a fool for believing in Shepard, especially after Cerberus and the Collectors but Anderson isn't a fool and he doesn't misplace his trust. 

Not even when he walks in on Shepard hacking into the Extranet and downloading news that he definitely shouldn't have access to. He could talk to Vega, get stricter security on Shepard or he could trust his gut, which means trusting Shepard. 

"Sir, I'm sorry, I… that is…" Shepard stumbles over his words as he makes no attempt to hide what he'd been doing. 

"Care to explain?" Anderson sits in the small room Shepard's been given for his house arrest. It's tiny enough that barely a bed and a desk fit. The screen is clearly visible to the door and it's obvious that whatever Shepard's looking for is worth the possible discovery. 

"I was hoping that, maybe, there would be a message for me. It's quiet in here, too quiet. I…" Shepard looks everywhere but at Anderson. Considering the size of the room, avoiding Anderson is a feat. 

"Yes?" 

"Permission to speak freely, sir?"

"Granted." 

Shepard finally looks at him and Anderson can feel the intensity even before he begins to speak, "I feel abandoned, sir. I've received no communications from anyone since my incarceration. Not from Garrus or Tali or … " Shepard's voice trails off once more, gaze skittering to the side. He continues in a whisper, soft enough that Anderson strains to hear it, "or Kaidan." 

There's a wealth of emotion in that name, more than Anderson had conceived of. His mind's swirling with the implications to the breathed out word, the hope and despair, all in a name, when Shepard starts speaking again, voice pitched normally. "I was hoping for some sort of communication, if just to find out what's going on out there in the world." 

"Your communications are being monitored. You know that." 

"Yes." 

"It's a risk to communicate with you. Your crew doesn't want to endanger you. You know that there are those that will twist even the most innocent communication into a harmful attack." 

"But – "

"But nothing. There is a risk, for you, in any communication from anybody, whether that person is Alliance or not." 

"Yes, sir. I understand." 

It's clear to Anderson that Shepard doesn't understand as he rubs a hand across his shaved head, scrubbing at his scalp before kneading at the back of his neck and the implant sitting there. "I'm certain even Alenko understands the risks to you and is unwilling to aid those that want to see you hang." 

"I wish I had your certainty, sir." Shepard sounds bitter. Resigned. Hurt. It's not something that he's heard Shepard sound like before, even when missions haven't gone his way or subordinates have disrespected him. 

"Something to discuss, Shepard?" 

"No, sir. Nothing to discuss. There was never anything to discuss there." 

"Step lightly and keep your nose clean. No more attempted hacking. You know that sort of thing will look bad for you. Honor what your crew's doing and keep yourself clean. It won't be much longer." 

"That's good considering we probably don't have much longer." 

Anderson nods and then heads out. He keeps the conversation in the back of his head until they're heading into the Council Chambers and the conversation pops right back into the forefront of his mind as Alenko walks out of the Chambers. Deciding to see just where the two of them sit with one another, he nods his head towards Shepard and watches Alenko as he turns and stares. He hears Shepard say "Kaidan". He watches the way they dance around one another, the exchanged looks and the hesitation in their stilted conversation and he knows that they're more than comrades that served together. 

He needs time to absorb everything but he's not given that time as the Reapers invade. He forgets about it in the face of the immediate need for survival. Anderson gets the Vancouver troops to regroup and work at guerrilla attacks against the Reaper forces. He's reviewing the next planned foray when he gets a communiqué from Alliance Headquarters on the Citadel.

>   
>  _Alenko in Huerta Memorial w/ concussion/biotics strain. Return to _Normandy_ unlikely. Shepard heading to Palaven for Turian recruitment._   
> 

Anderson tries to get word out to Shepard, find out what happened with Alenko and what his mental state is. If Shepard falters, if Shepard missteps, out there in the galaxy, then everything Anderson is doing here is for nothing and Earth is lost. He can't have that. He's willing to sacrifice himself, if he has to, to keep Earth going but to sacrifice and then to lose anyway? It's unacceptable.

Anderson has to know. With that in mind, he contacts The Shadow Broker. He's not happy that The Shadow Broker has access to the _Normandy_ crew but it benefits him in this case. The skips and falters during the conversation, with communications going up and down depending on where they can find enough power to send word to the Citadel makes it close to impossible to gather intel. He's forced to resort to written requests. 

_Request information regarding attack on Mars. Alenko and Shepard's physical/mental status including injuries and reactions to said injuries. Need confirmation of possible compromised state and/or fraternization._

He's heading across Canada by the time The Shadow Broker sends anything back to him. There's just one word. 

_Why?_

Anderson wonders what information he should give up as to his suspicions.

_Request one-on-one conversation to answer._

This time, the response is almost instantaneous. _Granted._ There's a string of numbers and code, telling him when, where and how to communicate. By the time the meeting rolls around, Anderson decides to lay it all out and take the risk that the information won't be abused. 

"I do not exaggerate that the fate of the galaxy rests on Shepard's shoulders." 

"And?" The computerized voice hides The Shadow Broker's identity from him but if Shepard trusts him or her, then Anderson will, as well. 

"How much loss would you be able to cope with before you collapse? I'm afraid that Alenko's loss would be the straw that broke the camel's back." 

"Shepard did not leave the medbay while transporting Major Alenko to the Citadel," The Shadow Broker confirms to him. 

"And his mental state?" 

"More distraught than I've ever seen. He continued to be that way, even when Major Alenko was taken to Huerta Memorial. Until the doctors certified that Major Alenko would recover, in time, Shepard barely attended to his duties." 

"More than comrades?" he asks, knowing that The Shadow Broker would know what he's asking. 

"Yes, from what I have seen, heard and gathered. Shepard has lost many crew members but he has never reached this level of emotional commitment. There is something about Major Alenko." The voice lightens, as if happy about the relationship between them. "We all need someone to lean on in our time of need. I think Shepard had hoped it would be Major Alenko." 

"And now?" 

"Major Alenko is recovering and Shepard is better at his duties. Hang in there, Anderson. Your faith is not misplaced." 

Anderson's brain starts churning with ideas that should be better left alone at The Shadow Broker's words. Tamping them down, he thanks him or her and signs off. It's just that, once thought, he can't unthink them, can't get the ideas out of his head, especially once he finally gets word that the Turians are on board and Shepard's working on getting the Krogan, as well. 

It'd be wrong. Awful. Unethical. _Wrong_ to make that order. It's outside of the scope of duties for anyone to order or abide by the thoughts. 

But then another Reaper lands and Anderson receives the reports that part of the Fleet is lost and the Turians are making more demands and the Krogan are demanding even more and Shepard is stumbling. Anderson doesn't hesitate to recommend Alenko for Spectre status, ensuring that word gets to Udina. With Alenko and Shepard on equal footing, Shepard might be more willing to act on any hidden feelings. 

By the time Shepard cures the Genophage and secures Turian and Krogan support for saving Earth, Anderson's gone too far and the plan is set firm in his mind as the only course of action. For just a moment, he feels like Sisyphus, pushing a rock up a hill only to have it roll back and crush him as it gains speed. He just hopes that the rock only crushes himself. All he can do now is go along with it, making the call to Alenko. He's relieved at himself that he waited that long as much as he hates himself for making the call. Leadership comes with dubious calls, though, and Anderson would rather sacrifice one man, even two of his best men, if it means that he can save the Earth. 

"Sir! Good to see that you're still alive." Alenko looks the worse for wear as he stands at attention in the Spectre offices. The bruises from Mars have faded but Alenko looks twitchy and unsettled. 

"Same to you, Major. When I heard about the attack on Mars, I was worried." 

"There are no lasting effects, sir." 

Alenko gives him the perfect opening. "We both know that isn't true, Major." 

"Sir?" 

"Have you spoken with Shepard recently?" 

"Uh, yes." Kaidan stares off to the side. "I assume you haven't heard about Udina, sir." 

"What's he done now?" 

"Cerberus agent, sir. Tried to assassinate the Council but, uh, Shepard stopped him." 

"I get the feeling there's more to it than that." 

"Shepard discovered that Udina was the Cerberus agent attempting to assassinate the Council. I was attempting to evacuate the Council when he confronted Udina. There was a confrontation with weapons drawn." Anderson watches as Kaidan's body sags, his gaze looking off to the side, as he recaps the events. "Udina pulled a weapon and I was forced to fire on him." 

"On Shepard or Udina?" 

"On Udina, sir. If I'd fired on Shepard, I don't think I would be standing here speaking to you. Shepard doesn't miss." 

"He wouldn't have fired on you." Anderson's as certain of that as he is of the sun rising and setting. 

"I'm not so sure about that." 

"Look, son, I think there's more to Shepard than you know." Anderson hesitates. "He's under a lot of strain but there is no way he would've shot you. Udina? In a heartbeat but you? No." 

"How can you be certain of that?" 

"What I'm about to say stays between the two of us. You will tell me if it affects your ability to work with Shepard. Earth rests in the balance of what I'm about to say and your ability to cope and work with it. Are we clear, here, Major?" 

"Yes, sir." Alenko nods and salutes. 

"What Shepard's doing, uniting the galaxy to help Earth, will save the galaxy and win this war. I have complete and total faith in his ability to do this if his mental state remains steady. What I don't have complete and total faith in is his ability to maintain that mental state. Shepard needs someone to rely on." 

"Sir." Kaidan nods in agreement, a puzzled look on his face that Anderson can see even in the wavering broadcast. 

"Are you aware that that person is you, Major?" 

"Me, sir?" 

"You. Shepard needs you with him."

"I don't see what I can do for him. He's a Sentinel, as well, and doesn't suffer from my limitations." 

"That isn't what I'm talking about. Shepard needs your friendship and your support. He needs your presence at his side." 

"With all due respect, I don't see what's so special about me." 

Anderson feels like he's betraying Shepard's confidence even as he decides to go ahead with the conversation. "Shepard cares for you, deeply." 

"We've known one another a long time; that's to be expected but he's known Garrus and Liara for almost as long. How is my presence different?" 

"Shepard has romantic feelings for you, feelings he doesn't seem to have for anyone else. Have you ever known Shepard to date? To even look at someone else?" 

"No, sir," Alenko says, looking gobsmacked. 

"Shepard is loyal to a fault. Everything he's done is for the Alliance and for the galaxy. That includes ignoring his own needs because of rules of fraternization and the needs of the galaxy. He will continue to do so unless someone pushes him to understand that he has those needs. He needs someone to meet those needs. Shepard needs someone to turn to, someone that won't judge him for his weakness in the middle of the night. We all need someone to turn to." 

"Sir? I'm not certain I understand what you're asking." 

"Shepard's mental state is skating on thin ice, Major. He needs a rock to shore him up. You are the one that he wants to do that, whether he is willing to discuss that with you or not. You will force him into that discussion and you will be that rock." 

"Are you ordering me to start a romantic relationship with him?" 

"Do you have any reason not to? You haven't had a single romantic relationship since BaaT. That's a long time for no romantic entanglements." 

"Have you forgotten the rules of fraternization amongst crew?" 

"You're both Spectres and don't have to adhere to Alliance rules. Any other concerns?" 

"I'm not going to do it." 

"Major – "

"No, Admiral. I won't. I think you're seeing things you want to see. Even if they were there, I won't do that to him and I won't do it to myself." Anderson watches as Alenko rubs his fingertips over his temples, massaging lightly. 

"Then, at least, be his friend. Serve with him aboard the _Normandy_ and see if I'm seeing things." 

"I'll do that much, sir." 

Anderson salutes, watches as Alenko does the same and then severs the connection. He'd known Alenko wouldn't agree the first time. He probably won't agree the second time. But the third time and Shepard would have his rock, someone to turn to in the middle of the night. Anderson just has to be patient and get through Alenko's strict moral code. It's just that there isn't a lot of time for patience.


	2. Chapter 2

Kaidan's so unbelievably angry right now. Rage coils, deep in his gut and boils up along his spine until it reaches his implant and surges through it so his skin's sparking as he stalks out of the Spectre offices and towards the lifts and, from there, the bay where the _Normandy_ is docked. He's angry at Anderson's audacity and gall, angry that Anderson thinks he'd go along with it, treat Shepard like that. 

As if Shepard would want him in the first place. Shepard's committed to the mission, far too committed to waste time on dreams or wishes. Just like Shepard, Kaidan doesn't have the time nor the patience for this sort of dalliance. His parents are on Earth and they're relying on him to help save Earth, save them. He's not going to waste Shepard's time with Anderson's assumptions. 

And what kind of an asshole is Anderson to waste valuable power and communications time on such a bullshit idea, anyway? Rage boils even hotter as he waits, pacing in the small elevator. So, yeah, he'll join the _Normandy_ but only because that's where the action's going to be, where he can make the biggest difference in getting Earth saved. He's also willing to be Shepard's friend because, before Shepard's death, they had been friends, close friends, as close as Kaidan's ever let anyone get. Except that Shepard had pointed a gun at him and before he's willing to befriend anyone, he's got to find out why Shepard had done just that and how far he'd been willing to go.

Kaidan blames Anderson for the way that he notices John's face light up when the lift doors slide open and what his brain fills in. John's body language is just as loose as it's been since they'd been on Mars. Kaidan's studied body language, knows how to read it right because of all that training they'd put him through before they'd ever allowed him in front of a class of biotic students. It's Anderson's fault that Kaidan notices how John curves into him, turning so that he leans towards Kaidan. 

Once Kaidan starts noticing, he can't stop over the next few days. He sees how many times Shepard seeks him out, checking in and stepping close, leaning so one of his hips juts into Kaidan's personal space. He can't help but notice that Shepard touches him more often than he does the rest of the crew other than Garrus but that makes sense because they're the closest to Shepard. Then the little voice in Kaidan's brain, the one fueled by Anderson's orders, interjects that there's no reason that Kaidan should be closer than Liara or Joker. Kaidan should barely rank about Vega or Cortez for friendship and closeness levels, maybe even lower than either of them because at least Vega was around while Shepard was under house arrest. 

That insidious voice keeps him thinking and watching until he can't take it anymore. After locking himself into the Starboard Observation, he loads up the security feeds from just past Mars and watches Shepard bring an unconscious Kaidan onto the ship, watches and listens to Liara and Shepard discussing him over his body. Shepard seems distracted, out of sorts and completely unlike the decisive Shepard that Kaidan's known and admired. Kaidan keeps watching as Liara hurries out, leaving Shepard alone. Shepard heads out and Kaidan forwards his way through until Shepard comes back. 

Kaidan's never been so thankful for a locked door as he watches Shepard bathe his face, washing the blood off. With the angle of the cameras, it's hard to catch Shepard's face but Kaidan can see enough that it makes him uncomfortable to watch, makes him feel like he's intruding on a private moment that _no one_ was meant to witness as Shepard's hand traces along Kaidan's jaw line, thumb brushing across Kaidan's lips. Kaidan squirms uncomfortably in his chair as Shepard leans over him, tracing his ear and then back over his face. 

Liara comes back in and helps Shepard clean him, treat his injuries. There's something wrong with the audio feed but Kaidan doesn't need it to know that Anderson's right, damn him. Shepard's shook enough that he looks lost and afraid. Kaidan's never seen him look like that. Once Kaidan's injuries are treated as well as the pair of them can do, Liara tugs Shepard close, hugging him. Kaidan squirms uncomfortably once more at the pain on Shepard's face as he stares over Liara's shoulder until he pushes his face into her neck and clings. 

Kaidan watches security feeds and reads reports from the various missions from when he'd been in Huerta Memorial and then protecting Udina and the Council. The jobs got done but there were so many errors that Shepard would've never made in the past. It's no wonder that Anderson thinks that Shepard's feeling the strain as Kaidan looks over the notes and sees the missteps along the way, the way that Shepard had almost lost Eve on Sur'Kesh, had struggled with curing the Genophage and had almost died by the Reaper on Tuchunka. 

All along, that insidious voice whispers about what Anderson thought would save the galaxy, would keep Shepard going. It's clear to Kaidan, now that he's looking for it, that Shepard does need someone. It's not clear to Kaidan that that person has to be him. Liara would be a better bet. They're close, Shepard and Liara, extremely close. 

He sends an encrypted message to Anderson with his suggestion of Liara, instead.

> _Major,_

> _Your suggestion has been noted and reviewed. Doctor T'Soni is a valuable member of the team but her concentration needs to remain on the Crucible. You're still the best man for the job. Your mission is vital to the survival of Earth. If Shepard falters, then Earth and the Galaxy are lost._

> _I regret to inform you that your father is missing in action and presumed dead. A message from your mother is included in this packet._

> _I reiterate that Shepard needs you. The Galaxy needs you. Earth needs you._

> _Anderson_

Kaidan paces in the Observation area, back and forth, wearing a path in the floor, as he reads and re-reads the message from Anderson and then the one from his mother. His reactions are all over the place. He's fearful for his mother and his father, so scared that his mother's going to disappear from his life, too. Of course he's known that his parents aren't going to live forever but this, this abrupt severing and finding out via a message, this not knowing how true it is, it's horrible. Awful. Gut-wrenching. And if he feels this way, then how much worse can it be to have witnessed it? To live through it there on Earth? 

He worries over his parents' neighbors. Mattie, the little girl that lives two houses down from his parents, is only five. How would she feel if she'd witnessed her parents' death? Was she even alive? Were any of them? They'd just had a block barbeque a month or so before the Reaper invasion. He'd gotten Mattie a hamburger and shared an ice cream sundae with her, chocolate dripping over their fingers as they'd talked about model ships and flying into space. 

Every day that this war goes on, more families are suffering. Anderson's right. If Shepard falters, if he even hesitates to do what's necessary, then they're all lost and, yet, here Kaidan stands, hesitating at doing something to help the galaxy, help Mattie and the rest of the people he knows on Earth. 

Tossing the pad to the table, Kaidan leans against the window and stares out into space, wondering how many people are suffering like he is, not knowing where their loved ones are at, whether they live or if they're dead. He's still hesitating over his orders from Anderson when Shepard walks in. Before Kaidan can think about it, the words are spilling out of his mouth, laying his burden on Shepard about his parents and Earth, how he's torn between being there and being on the _Normandy_. 

Shepard just takes it, builds him up and supports him. It's as he's discussing his students that he realizes how much better he feels about everything because Shepard's supporting him. He realizes that Anderson's orders might not be as out of line as Kaidan had originally presumed. If Kaidan, with his few concerns, needs the shoulder, then Shepard, with his overwhelming burdens, needs the support even more. He cracks a joke about dancing in the streets and then, decision made, hope for the future in his heart, he knows that Shepard can do this and he's going to finally take his mother off-planet.

> _Anderson,_

> _Orders received. You can count on me, sir._

A few days later, accepting the orders is all well and good but Kaidan doesn't know how to actually implement them. Anderson hadn't been wrong when he'd mentioned that the last serious relationship Kaidan had had was with Rahna. Kaidan's been too fixated on his career, too busy saving the galaxy from itself and then, later, from the Reapers, to worry about dating. A quick fuck, here and there, Kaidan's all too familiar with. Even for a guy that's too serious, those are easy enough to come by. He just heads to a club, looks around for a likely target and then fucks them up against the wall, near the back so they're partially hidden, and then he's back to his ship or his mission. 

This, though, this is more than a quick fuck, has to be if Shepard's going to rely on him, if he's going to fulfill his orders. There's no one to ask, though, without making Kaidan feel like a fuck-up of epic proportions. As Kaidan heads off with Shepard on a mission, Kaidan watches him move, thinks about the way that Shepard's brain works and what sort of approach would work best on him. In the midst of all that, too, he thinks about whether or not he'll actually be able to be intimate with Shepard. He's never looked at Shepard that way, before. Shepard's always been his commanding officer or larger than life or his friend or a betraying asshole (even if the last was only in his head). Besides, Kaidan's not all that certain that Shepard isn't a plant from Cerberus, going to betray them at the last possible minute. 

Kaidan watches as Shepard handles his gun, armor-clad fingers running along the barrel and then popping out a thermal clip and replacing it with relative ease. There's a lull in between fights and Kaidan can't help but think about what those hands would feel like on his skin. They're large hands, capable and strong, possibly even strong enough to hold Kaidan down and take what he wants. With all of the modifications made when Cerberus rebuilt him, Kaidan wonders if Shepard's strong enough to lift him up against a wall and fuck him hard and fast, those hands pressing into his hips or his collarbone. 

"Kaidan, head out," Shepard says as he looks over to Kaidan. Even with his helmet on, Kaidan flushes and wonders if Shepard had caught the path his thoughts were traveling. Nodding, Kaidan scrambles to his feet and launches himself over the pile of crates. He follows Shepard into the building, keeping focused on the mission and not the shift of Shepard's hips. 

At the end of the mission, once they're stripping out of their armor, Kaidan's thoughts go back to thinking about Shepard's hips and his hands, the planes of his chest and the angle of his jaw. Kaidan keeps darting looks at Shepard, noticing a freckle here, a mole there, a scar over there and how many muscles the man has. Suddenly, he wants the taste of the sweat running down Shepard's spine and pooling at the base of his spine. He wants to lick the bruises from where Shepard'd been knocked against a post. 

"Problems, Major?" Shepard says, catching him staring at Shepard's ass. 

"You're bruised up pretty good. You might want Chakwas to look at that." 

"It's probably nothing." 

"Shepard, get it looked at. For me?" he asks, testing the waters and seeing if Anderson's as informed as he thinks he is. 

"Fine," Shepard says, breaking eye contact to look at the ground. 

"Thanks." 

"You're welcome." Shepard's words are soft, intimate, as he smiles at Kaidan. Kaidan's never seen that sort of smile on Shepard's face, never thought to look for it. It changes Shepard's face, makes him seem younger, which, in turn, only makes Kaidan want to know what Shepard was like as a younger man. Deciding 'no time like the present', Kaidan smiles back, trying to echo that same softness. Shepard's smile increases slightly and then he looks away, glancing towards his armor.


	3. Chapter 3

From that first flirtation, it doesn't get any easier to flirt with Shepard. Every attempt he makes at it seems awkward at best, to the point that, eventually, over Kaidan's attempts at writing a report to Anderson on his progress, Shepard calls him out on it. Kaidan doesn't need to fake the nervous laugh. He's so desperately out of practice. There's no way that he's the best man for this job, especially not when every time he tries, he feels like an imposter in his own skin. Just as he's about to confess to John about Anderson's plan, he catches the latest update from Earth on one of the other pads scattered around him and he stops. Pauses and then asks Shepard for the opportunity to flirt in the future. 

After Shepard leaves, Kaidan thinks about Ashley. She'd been so sure that Heaven and Hell existed. He wonders if she was right, then where he's going to end up. She'd said to him, once, that the road to Hell is paved with good intentions and his intentions right now are the best. He's contributing to saving Earth by forming an emotional bond with Shepard but he's doing it under such false pretenses. 

It's not that Shepard's a man. Kaidan's long been used to his attraction to other men and to women, as well. He's fine with Shepard the Spectre but he's still having problems wrapping his head around the dishonesty of his position. Up until the orders, he'd never contemplated a relationship with Shepard. Even now that he's flirting with the man, he's not all that certain that he's attracted enough to form a bond with him, to stay by his side. 

There's still the Cerberus thing, for one. Even with meeting the scientists and realizing that they're good people, he's still not certain that Shepard's really _Shepard_ and not just a plant for The Illusive Man. Look at that doctor on Mars, after all. She'd looked and walked and talked just like every other human until she'd burst out of the shuttle and smashed him to hell and back. What's to say that there isn't some sort of switch in Shepard that'll turn on and smash him once more? 

All these thoughts make his head ache to the point that he can feel his pulse in his septum. He could blame Shepard but this is all Anderson's fault. Chakwas gives him the standard lecture on avoiding stress as much as possible as she gets the injection of that cocktail of drugs that they'd given him after Mars. He's got to be fairly bad off if Chakwas is pulling out the big guns. 

He can feel himself drifting and, later, will blame the drugs for asking Chakwas, "Do you think Shepard's really Shepard?" 

"I'm sorry, Major?" 

"You've seen his medical work-up and his records. Is he really Shepard or could he be a Cerberus plant somehow?" He hears the way his voice slurs as the drugs take effect. 

"You know I can't discuss private medical information," she says, making him sputter excuses that she interrupts to continue with, "But, yes, he's still Commander Shepard, as far as I can determine." 

"He's not like EDI?"

"He is not an android, no." 

As he slips under the drugs, he doesn't realize that he mumbles what's going through his head. "That's good. I don't want to kiss an android no matter what."

> _Admiral,_

> _Shepard seems to respond well to my overtures. He returns flirtation with flirtation. I've asked him to join me for dinner on the Citadel. I will report as to the status of the mission after that point._

> _Major Kaidan Alenko_

~*~

When Kaidan goes to bed that night, the memory of dinner and quick touches haunting him _sanity checks_ , he can't fall asleep because he feels like too much of an asshole. Shepard had smiled at him, a full smile that Kaidan's never seen before. _You, Kaidan_ and that half-smile on his face, the joking and the teasing, _someone to live for, maybe love_ and, of course, Kaidan can't sleep. No one should be able to sleep after doing this to someone else, not if they have any sort of concern for their fellow human beings. 

He wants to take the words back, wants to tell Shepard that it was brain damage from Mars or his implant acting up or mind control or bad food or anything that will bring the words back. He is the galaxy's worst person. He deserves to have to take on a Reaper singlehandedly. Shepard's words dance through his head as he wonders where a drink is, if Chakwas would be willing to share with him. 

He needs a _sanity check_ that doesn't involve fucking over one John Shepard. Orders or no orders, Reaper invasion or no Reaper invasion, he can't do this. He's going to tell Anderson he's calling this shit off right the fuck now. Shepard's grin and his soft tone, so soft and dreamy and romantic, keep him from sleep.

Thumping his pillow and then turning on his side, he can't get Shepard's smile out of his mind, even as he stares at the bed across the small walkway. Muttering to himself, he flips over to the other side. His own words haunt him, _someone handsome, someone he already knows_ and then there's the hope and the nervousness and that naked need in Shepard's eyes. There is no pit deep enough for him. 

Heading to the Starboard Observation, he, thankfully, doesn't run into anyone as he carries his pillow and blanket with him. Maybe staring out the window towards what he's doing this for will help because it's quite certain that staring at his fellow crew members isn't doing anything other than reminding him of what a giant prick he is. 

"EDI?" Kaidan curls into the sofa, back pressed against the fabric until it feels like he's resting against someone, a nice strong chest, maybe. 

"Yes, Major?" 

"Could you ensure that I get some uninterrupted alone time?" 

"Of course." 

"Thank you." Kaidan hears the locking mechanism of the door engage and then the lights dim. As he lays there, staring into the field of stars, he pretends that it is a chest behind him, that Shepard's holding him and that the arm resting across his stomach is really Shepard's. It feels mildly comfortable to think about it until he pictures Shepard's hand moving up his body to wrap around his neck and squeezing the life out of him, just like EDI's body's predecessor, once he finds out what Kaidan's been thinking and doing. 

Shepard might've smiled at him, all nervous and hopeful happiness, but it's an unfamiliar look as far as Kaidan's concerned. He's more used to Shepard's intense stare. Even their showdown on the Citadel had seemed more normal than Shepard's puppy eyes and sly, shy smile. It says something about them, about Kaidan, that he'd rather be looking at Shepard over the barrel of a gun than over a nice meal and simple, flirtatious conversation. To have those hands go from being so firm and knowing on a gun or even by themselves to having them skitter back and forth, unsure as they reached out to touch Kaidan unnerves him. 

In the morning, he's going to call this whole thing off. Somehow, some time in the night, he'll figure out what to say to Shepard to call it off. He has to have faith in his own ability to talk his way out of the situation, even if he's one of the worst speakers of all time. Anderson's orders are completely out of line. He'll think of something, he just has to have faith in his subconscious doing all the hard work while he sleeps on this uncomfortable sofa. 

Except that in the morning, he's no closer to an answer as to how to crush that hopeful smile on Shepard's face. He's a monster, an amoral monster. Even if flirting with Shepard, engaging in some sort of romantic relationship with Shepard, means saving Earth, and, more personally, his mother, he's still never ever going to be able to look his mother in the eye because of what he's doing to one of the greatest men he knows. 

His body creaks and moans as he sits up. His ear aches from where he'd pressed it against one of the hard throw pillows against an arm to prop up his pillow. If he isn't careful, his ear ache will quickly spread to his head. He deserves the pain of a migraine but he can't cope with one right now. He already hates himself enough. 

"Major?" 

"Yes, EDI?" 

"The Commander has requested your presence." 

Just what he needs; an ear ache, the starts of a migraine, an aching back and the salt to rub into the gaping wound where his morals used to be. "Could you let him know that I'll be a bit? I'd like a shower, if there's time." 

"Of course, Major. I will let him know." 

Maybe Kaidan can space himself before Shepard notices. Right now, he'd rather walk out the airlock than have the conversation he's about to have. Shaking his head at himself, he gathers his bedding, tosses them on his bunk and heads to the showers.


	4. Chapter 4

He's surprised to see he's got it all to himself. While the water beats down on him, he concentrates on clearing his mind, getting away from the stress of the situation he's put himself in. Sure, he could blame Anderson but Anderson hadn't put a gun to his head. He'd agreed to this on his own, even if grief and fear had contributed. Besides, by the time they'd had dinner, by the time he'd lied to Shepard, hoping his stuttering stumbling bumbling confession had sounded like nerves over love versus nerves over lying, he'd been resigned to the loss of his father and his fear for his mother. Neither had made him tell Shepard that he'd desired him for years. 

Shepard's going to want physical intimacy. Of course he is. Considering he's alone here, Kaidan reaches a hand down to his flaccid cock and pictures Shepard's hand on his dick, Shepard's lips on his neck. His dick doesn't respond as he pulls on it again. He rubs his thumb just under the head against that spot guaranteed to drive him nuts as he thinks of Shepard doing the same, that half-smile on his face and still doesn’t get much of a response. He tries to think of Shepard touching him firmly, caressing his body, rubbing oil into it in a sensuous massage that seems far too similar to the way that Shepard rubs at his guns to clean them. He thinks of that sweat dripping down Shepard's back and what it would taste like, what Shepard would taste like under the spray of the shower. 

"Dammit," he mutters to himself, the sound of it carried away in the cascade of water. He wants to respond, if just to prove to himself that he can at the same time that he's glad that he isn't responding, letting him know that it's the right thing to do and stop this now, when there's only a few hurt feelings rather than later, when Shepard's bound to find out about the entire idiotic plan. 

The water cycles off and he's no cleaner than when he started, just wetter. Sighing at the wasted shower, Kaidan towels off and dresses. He wants to dither on his way to the Captain's Quarters, maybe make his way by the airlock and just jump rather than wipe off that smile and break that hopeful trust that they're just starting to rebuild. He's promised to have Shepard's back but this isn't having it, this is betraying it. 

His ear ache hasn't subsided, it's just spread over to the rest of his head and down his neck into his shoulders. His back ache from that awful sofa has spread, too, down into his hips and up along his spine, branching into his ribs and sinking deep into his gut as his stomach churns.

The elevator shows up too early and, all too soon, he's standing in front of Shepard's quarters. The door chimes and slides open. "Shepard?" 

"In here." 

Which, of course he's in his quarters, Kaidan's brain supplies as he walks in, listening to the door slide shut behind him. He's braced for some sort of physical intimacy from Shepard, maybe have Shepard stand and hug him, touch his hand or his face. Instead, what he sees is Shepard on his sofa, datapads spread out on the table in front of him. Shepard beckons him over, like he'd done countless times before a mission. 

Once he sits down, farther from Shepard than he'd normally sit, Shepard hands him a datapad. Their fingertips barely brush as he takes it. Even that small of a touch makes him want to jerk his hand away, makes him think of the fantasies he'd tried and stalled on. "Take a look at this and tell me what you think." 

The details are about an Asari monastery. There's very few details, only what the Asari High Command had deigned to share with Liara, just a missing Asari commando squad, last known transmissions and the general layout of the monastery. 

"So what's the deal on this?" Kaidan asks as he sets the datapad down on the table and faces Shepard. 

"We're to go in, assess what happened and look for survivors. Complete it and we could have the support of Thessia for Earth." 

"Seems too easy." 

Shepard reclines back into the sofa, facing him. "That's what I was thinking. What is going on at this monastery that can mean enough to commit their troops to help Earth? We're walking into something that I don't like." 

"Agreed. We already en route?" 

"We'll be at Lesuss tomorrow. I'd like you with me." Kaidan can feel the intensity of Shepard's stare, twisting up his gut once more. 

"Yeah, I can do that." 

"You should get more rest than you had last night. I need you at your best. I don't know what to expect when we get there." Shepard sighs, deeply. 

"You spying on me, Shepard?" he asks, incredulous. 

"EDI sends me a report on everyone. I might always check to see how you're doing." Shepard's got that half-grin on his face again, the one that promises to grow into that same sly, shy smile from yesterday's lunch as Shepard slides closer, close enough that their knees touch.

"Oh? She report anything specific?" 

"Just your sleep cycles and your medication levels in relation to your migraines and implant, Major," EDI interrupts. "Any other personal secrets are safe with me." 

"You have something you'd like to share?" Shepard asks, grinning at Kaidan as his hand rests against Kaidan's on the back of the sofa. 

Kaidan's guilt twists in his gut. Of course he has secrets that he needs to share but before he can say anything, EDI interrupts. "I have plenty to share from Kaidan. I also have plenty to share from you. I believe there is a saying that states an eye for an eye." 

"Not applicable in this case." 

"Oh? Would you please explain why?" 

"Goes towards personal harm, not for sharing embarrassing stories about Kaidan." 

"I appreciate your discretion, EDI." Kaidan flips his hand over, squeezing Shepard's hand to get him to stop pushing for now, at least until Kaidan finds his courage and the words for it. 

"You're welcome, Major." 

"You're no fun, Kaidan. I would've liked to hear a few secrets." Shepard looks at Kaidan's hand around his and then back up to Kaidan. The smile's still so unfamiliar that Kaidan's brain stumbles in reaction, the few words like "there's been a mistake" or "they were orders" fly out of his head. 

"We can't always get what we want." That flirtatious tone surely can't be him. 

"You sure there isn't anything I can't do to get a few secrets? I'll trade you, secret for secret." 

"You show me yours and I'll show you mine." Kaidan thinks this is the perfect opportunity to tell Shepard that this is all a set-up. It's better to call this off now than later because later, Shepard's only going to be crushed. Now, they both might be able to save face. 

Shepard crooks an eyebrow at him and then rubs at his chin with his free hand before flipping his other hand over and rubbing his fingertips on Kaidan's palm where it covers. "First time I saw you, I couldn't look past your lips but then, that first visit to the Citadel, I couldn't stop staring at your ass. I'd get so hard for you but then, well, we were serving together and I was the CO and… and we got to know one another. I wanted more than your lips or your ass. It just about broke me when you couldn't bear to look at me on Horizon. Just about broke me with Mars." 

Well. _Shit_. Kaidan's lips open to tell Shepard his secret, his orders from Anderson until the reality of Shepard's words hit him. "That long?" 

"That long." 

Kaidan can't do it. He can't tell Shepard, not right after that. Pausing to think of something he can share instead, something that doesn't involve wiping that brash hopefulness off Shepard's face and in light of his words, Kaidan touches Shepard's palm with his own fingertips, watching the circle of fingers and flesh. Shepard's hands are knicked and battered, fingers thicker than Kaidan's, much more capable. 

"Too much?" Kaidan looks up from his study of their hands to see Shepard shutting down, face going emotionless and blank. 

"No," Kaidan says even though he wants to say _yes_ so badly. "That first moment of seeing you again on Horizon was one of the greatest moments of my life. I couldn't think about anything when I saw you. You shut my brain down." 

It's the only thing he's got that's even close to the confession Shepard'd just given him. It promises things that Kaidan doesn't want to promise but the fact that Shepard's closed expression disappears back into that hopeful smile does wonders for the burden he feels on his shoulders. 

"Oh yeah?" Shepard's hand does this maneuver until they're palm to palm with fingers entwined. He uses it to pull Kaidan in closer, not that Kaidan puts up much of a fight, he's too busy wondering what other secrets Shepard's going to confess and what he can confess in return. Shepard's expressions are too much of a distraction and, to help him focus, he stares out the window. 

"Yeah. I'd thought you were dead, Shepard. It killed me to think that. I mourned you." It's all true though, again, he's promising things that he doesn't mean. 

"Did you?" 

"Yes, Shepard. I don't think I ever got over it." Kaidan looks at Shepard and, startled, he realizes that he's only a few inches from Shepard's face. "I don't think I'm over it now, to be honest." 

"I don't know what to say to that." 

"You don't have to say anything." 

Shepard's hand comes out and traces across Kaidan's lips with his thumb before his hand cups Kaidan's jaw. "I still want your lips." 

"Oh," he breathes out just as he gives them to Shepard, kissing back in the same, soft, patient manner he'd never thought Shepard capable of. Kaidan might be a prude but he's misjudged Shepard. He'd thought there'd be rough need, greedy hands and fast rutting. Instead, he gets the softest kiss he's ever experienced, a teasing, taunting brush of lips and tongue, the barest hint of teeth against his bottom lip until he's breathless from the romance of it, the wonder of it. It steals all his thoughts away until he forgets that he's kissing Shepard for a moment as he responds, further and further. 

It doesn't help him to catch his breath, even after they pull back to lean forehead to forehead, when Shepard's thumb that had been entwined with Kaidan's, starts to trace along Kaidan's palm, sending little sparks of need along his nerve endings. Shepard's lips take his again, long before he's ready (though he doesn't think he'll ever be ready for this side of Shepard, all of his softness and need). Kaidan's hand comes up from his lap only to brush at Shepard's ear and cheek, push back along until he's resting just over his biotic amp and plays with the skin there. If Shepard's even half as sensitive as Kaidan is around his amp, it should drive him wild and it does.

The kiss moves away from softness to more need than anything else as Shepard starts to use his teeth to worry at Kaidan's lower lip, biting it as Kaidan pulls back to try for air. In light of the way that Shepard tastes like heaven, Kaidan can't argue for it, figures that air is second to the need of Shepard's tongue in his mouth as Shepard pushes forward until he's lying on top of Kaidan. Bucking up into the hips straddling him, he feels the rub of aching cock against aching cock and it only spurs him on further. 

Shepard's just as frantic, thrusting down into Kaidan's groin as their hands explore, tugging at clothing and trying for more and more skin. Breaking the kiss, Shepard lips at Kaidan's chin and then mouths his way down Kaidan's throat until he reaches the base, lips resting over one of Kaidan's collarbone before biting down. The pain of it makes him arch his neck, baring his throat even further as John's hair grasps at Kaidan's hair and tugs his head even further back. He's never been one for such rough play but he likes it, wants more of it as his hands finally make their way under Shepard's shirt, giving him the opportunity to rake his nails down Shepard's back. 

Shifting on top of Kaidan, Shepard forces him deeper into the sofa, pressed between the back and Shepard. There's a crashing noise as something tumbles off the sofa and it's just enough to bring Kaidan back to his senses. "Stop," he breathes out as he realizes how far this has gone, surprised at how much his cock aches for this when he'd gotten no response from it in the shower. 

Shepard pushes off of him, sitting up as he straightens his clothes. Kaidan can't bear to look at him as he fixes his own clothes and sits. He's breathing hard, head resting on his hands while his elbows dig painfully into his thighs. 

"You all right?" Shepard asks. Kaidan shakes his head. "I didn't plan…" 

"I know you didn't," Kaidan whispers. "It's fine." Even though it isn't. 

"Oh yeah?" Looking at Shepard, Kaidan sees the disbelieving look. 

"It will be. I hadn't realized that it would be like that. It was just so intense." 

"It was." 

"God, Shepard, that was amazing but…" Kaidan flails a hand to illustrate his point, losing the ability with words. 

"Too soon?" 

"Too everything. The things you can do with your lips." Kaidan doesn't realize the implications until he sees the cocky look on Shepard's face. 

"I'll take that as a compliment." 

"Take it however you want, Commander." Kaidan looks down and sees the datapads strewn across the floor. 

"Should I let you get back to what you were doing before?" 

"Sure, melt my brain and then abandon me as I try to figure out how to report to the Council. Sure, why not?" Kaidan's thoughts pop out of his head without him planning on it. The only way he realizes he's spoken out loud is Shepard's laugh. It's the most joyous he's ever heard anything come out of Shepard's mouth. Kaidan turns and looks, absorbing the happiness he can clearly see. All of his plans for confessing to Shepard go out the airlock in light of such happiness. He's going to hell for this but if he keeps the galaxy from following, then it'll be well worth it.

> _Anderson,_

> _Mission continues successfully. I have initiated physical contact and Shepard has responded well. His error rate has decreased along with perceived personal stress levels._

> _Major Kaidan Alenko_


	5. Chapter 5

John doesn't think he's ever been this happy. It twists him up that he's here, on the _Normandy_ , falling in love while Earth suffers. He can't help but think about what Anderson and his crew are facing while Kaidan's hands are on his cheeks or brushing against him. Sometimes he thinks he doesn't deserve this happiness, that he hasn't done enough yet to get to be this happy and that he should call it off. 

Kaidan's support, his presence at John's back out in the field, keeps John steady. His first instinct was to keep Kaidan on the ship, grounded so that he's safe but it only takes one mission with him to make him realize he feels better with Kaidan at his back. Kaidan's wondered how much John trusts him and, up until Kaidan's tentative flirtations, John would've answered that he didn't know. 

But he knows now. Other than Garrus, he doesn't trust anyone else on the ship as much as he trusts Kaidan. The Banshees on Lesuss messed with his mind, made him wonder just what the Reapers could do with human biotics, if it'd be worse than what they've done to the Ardat-Yakshi. Garrus and Kaidan steady him, keep him moving when he wants to freeze in horror as he wonders when all the suffering is going to be enough. 

When's enough going to be enough? John wonders, as he thinks of Samara and her daughters, of Kaidan and his parents, of Anderson, of that little boy. Nothing's he's done has been enough. None of the suffering has been enough but they've got to hit that point soon. 

As he sits in his quarters after the monastery, he thinks of Ashley and her commitment to a higher being. He wonders what she'd have to say about the amount of suffering, what her God might think. He wonders if she's judging him on how much he's done and, more importantly, not done. Maybe if he'd been louder about the invasion, maybe if he'd been able to convince even one Council member, maybe a better choice of words or more action. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. 

His thoughts are self-destructive and he knows it but he can't seem to stop thinking about everything that's gone wrong so far. Even if the Genophage is cured, had it been the right decision? If the galaxy survives this, will it then survive the Krogans? Wrex and Eve are strong leaders, Eve more than Wrex (though John only thinks this when he's alone because he's not stupid), but the Krogan aren't one mindless group of people. Plus, they've lost the Salarians for assistance and John's smart enough to realize that the Salarians and their scientific abilities would be a great benefit. Had he made the right decision? 

His door chimes, interrupting his thoughts. He's never been so grateful for an interruption as he drops his datapad and answers. Once he sees Kaidan standing on the other side, he's even happier with the interruption. Here's something he's never thought he'd have. That he has it, that he can reach a hand out and touch Kaidan's hand, drift his fingertips along Kaidan's forearm, trace the muscles down until he feels the veins and tendons on the back of Kaidan's hands, that does funny things to his gut. 

Those funny things don't keep him from doing just that, Kaidan's warm flesh under his fingertips strikes him as even more intimate than the kiss yesterday. He's almost sad to pull back and gesture Kaidan into the room. "Come in." 

"Thought you might need this," Kaidan says, gesturing with the bottle in his other hand that John hasn't seen until now. 

"You going to get me drunk and take advantage of me?" John watches as Kaidan walks further into the room, heading for the sofa. He can't help it if his eyes watch the shift and sway of Kaidan's butt as he walks. In armor, his gait is distracting enough but in his off-duty uniform? It's downright dangerous. Kaidan looks over his shoulder and catches John staring, eyebrow arching to the sky. He'd be embarrassed but he's only human so he tries to bluff his way out of it by turning the tables onto Kaidan. "You're looking a little bruised back there, Major." 

Kaidan flushes. John can't help grinning at the embarrassed look as John parrots Kaidan's words back at him. He's probably a little too smug as he adds, "I knew you were looking at my ass." 

"It's a nice ass," Kaidan responds as he continues walking to the sofa. 

John can hear the clink of the bottle and the glasses as he comes around and joins Kaidan on the sofa. He wants to crawl over Kaidan, say 'fuck the drinks' and take Kaidan's lips again, get his hands on that ass, but he refrains, sitting far enough down the sofa that their knees don't even brush. 

Kaidan hands him his drink and they salute one another as they toss the drink back. John hands his empty glass back to Kaidan, watching those capable hands pour another. "So you get your reports to the Council done?" 

"Yes. Got a note back requesting your reports, as well." Kaidan's eyebrow arches again. John feels an uncontrollable urge to taste it; he's across the sofa before he knows it, his hands on Kaidan's face and his lips pressing against Kaidan's lips then his cheek before he kisses that eyebrow, feels the small hairs tickling his lips. "I had no idea that Spectre reports to the Council got you going, Shepard." 

"Oh yeah, talk official to me." John keeps his lips pressed to Kaidan's flesh as he speaks, making his way along Kaidan's forehead to his other temple and then down to lick at his ear, using his tongue to drag the lobe into his mouth before he gently bites down, nibbling at it. It works like magic, Kaidan's hands coming up to grasp at his biceps, squeezing and kneading his muscles. 

"You keep doing that and I won't be able to speak at all." 

"That sounds even better right now." 

"Shepard," Kaidan moans, arching into John's body as John licks his way down Shepard's neck to taste his collarbone. He can just make out a small mark from last night when he'd bit harder than he'd planned. Unable to resist, he licks over the mark before nipping at it again. Just like it had the last time, Kaidan's neck arches, exposing everything John wants to taste. He nibbles his way up Kaidan's throat, tasting and marking as he goes. The marks will fade from Kaidan's skin but John's going to remember what Kaidan looks like with the small red marks for the rest of his life. 

"I didn't plan for this to happen when I came up, you know. I thought maybe we could talk, have a drink, de-stress for a bit." Kaidan's hands are gripping John's head, keeping him close to Kaidan's throat and belying his words. 

"This is very de-stressing to me. Are you stressed? You seem tense," John mutters against Kaidan's skin as his hands try to get Kaidan's shirt off. 

"I had no idea that you were such a tease." Kaidan pulls John off his chest and then kisses him. John thinks he could get addicted to the taste of Kaidan if he isn't already. 

"There's plenty you don't know about me. Give it a bit of time and you'll learn." 

"We have reports, Shepard. A drink and then reports." Kaidan pushes him away, leaving him laying against the sofa and looking debauched. It's a good look for him with his hair slightly mussed and his lips puffy from kisses. 

"You know the best spots to take a guy." Shepard winks, enjoying the way that Kaidan looks off to the side.

They slide into a companionable silence, completing their reports together, working off of one another and thinking of better ways of phrasing this happening or that. 

It's moments like these that John's truly missed, this companionable silence as they work in harmony together. He's missed hearing Kaidan's dry humor, something that not everyone ever gets to experience. He's missed bouncing ideas off of Kaidan, has missed it for so many years that it'd become a normal part of functioning. Now that he has it again, it only makes the past few years painfully empty. Just as Kaidan had said during the lunch where he'd surprised the hell out of John, there are benefits to this happiness and one of them is this focus that he has right now. He can see along the path they're traveling, he's better able to respond in advance. It's hard not to think that if Kaidan had been here, he would've been able to cure the Genophage _and_ gotten the Salarians on board for helping Earth. 

That sort of second-guessing isn't going to help him now, though. He can only move forward and the first step of moving forward is done as he sends off his reports to the Council on their recent missions. 

"I will never, in all my years, understand how you get your reports written so quickly," Kaidan mutters as John puts his datapad down on the table. 

"You need to get better at bullshitting, that's all." John can't help teasing Kaidan, can't help but to enjoy the way that Kaidan's face pinches slightly and then relaxes, as if he's resigning himself to John's off-the-wall sense of humor. "You having a problem thinking on your feet, Major?" 

"You could say that," Kaidan mutters, sounding more bitter and upset than anything John expects. 

"Something wrong?" he asks, concerned about Kaidan's reports. 

"This report's hard to write." Kaidan sighs, as if the weight of the world's on his shoulders. 

"Want help? Who's it to?" 

"It's not that important, I can finish it later." Kaidan stares at his datapad like it is important. 

"You sure? The sooner you get it done, the sooner I can beat you at poker." That barely gets John a smile as Kaidan tosses the datapad onto the table. 

"As if that would ever happen in any version of reality." 

"Is that a challenge, Major?" John arches a brow at him, putting his best 'bullshit' face on. 

"You bet, Commander." Kaidan answers with his own 'bullshit' look and the game is on. John digs out his deck of cards, stacking the datapads off to the side as they play at the small coffee table. 

John gains a new respect for Kaidan's poker face. He's used to Kaidan's stoic expressions but Kaidan's body's another story. He's normally far too expressive with his hand gestures, the cock of a hip or the way that he looks around. Even his shoulders are expressive, weighted down by the armor or the responsibility. 

Here, though, in the middle of the poker game, Kaidan is all stillness. His face barely changes and his body gives nothing away. John quickly loses the first hand. Loses the second almost as quickly. Finally, during the fifth hand, John catches on to one of Kaidan's tells, can see the way that Kaidan's ring finger moves just a bit, watches the way that Kaidan's nose twitches ever so slightly when he bluffs. Kaidan's looking right at him when he bluffs, maintains eye contact and everything but his nose gives him away. 

John wonders what his own tells are as he raises the bet higher and higher though they're not playing with real money and no real ramifications, either. John's in the hole for three Spectre reports and an upgrade to Kaidan's pistol but he gets all of them for free or a minimal amount of bullshit. 

"Come on, Alenko, bet already." Now that he knows Kaidan's tells, John wants the hands to move so he can get rid of the reports, at least. He'd get Kaidan the upgrade regardless, if just to keep him safe. 

"Some things aren't worth rushing into," Kaidan says, looking at him intently. 

"You talking cards or us?" 

"Us."


	6. Chapter 6

"I'll level with you. I never thought I'd get any of this so the fact that I can sit here and just talk to you, that's enough. We don't do anything else and I'd be happy. I wouldn't mind making out with you some more, of course, I'm only human but this, the companionship, knowing that you're there, that's good for me. Right now, I can pretend that we're on a regular mission, not heading back to the Citadel to report on Reapers corrupting Ardat Yakshi or the movement of Cerberus. It means a lot to me just to be here like this. With you." 

At his words, Kaidan flinches, dropping his cards and scattering them all over the place. John doesn't know what he said to get such a violent reaction. Perhaps it'd been too heartfelt, too soft for a pair of old soldiers. It's only been a few days yet it feels like years in the making. John hadn't been lying when he'd told Kaidan how long he's wanted Kaidan. He's getting ahead of himself and, more importantly, getting ahead of where Kaidan's at, even if Kaidan'd been the one to approach him. 

As Kaidan scrambles to pick up the cards, John thinks about his mother admonishing him as a child, telling him to stop counting his chickens before they hatch. It hadn't made sense at the time, even if they had lived on a farm on Mindoir but it makes sense now. Time to backtrack. "I apologize." 

"For what, Shepard?" Kaidan sounds blasé but John can tell that he's uncomfortable because he refuses to look at John. Instead, he stares over John's shoulder at the fish tank or a spot on the wall. Doesn't matter because he's looking everywhere but where John would like him to look. 

"I made you uncomfortable. Again." 

"Shepard, there's something I need to tell you. Anders – "

"Commander, priority transmission." 

"I'll be right there." John stands and holds out a hand for Kaidan. He's relieved when Kaidan grabs his hand and stands up. Squeezing the hand in his, John doesn't know if he should do anything further or not. He just leaves it at the hand squeeze, stepping back and letting go.

"Shepard – " 

"It'll have to wait until after this transmission." John strides out of the office and then through the security areas. He fails to ignore the way that Kaidan's seemed so unsure of pursuing this. He can pull it back right now, if he has to. Better to do it now, when he only knows the taste of Kaidan's mouth rather than later when he's had the taste of his sweat. He'd told the truth when he'd told Kaidan that he'd be satisfied with companionship but being faced with the possibility of not having more now that he's had the idea of it, the carrot dangled in front of him, makes him ache. 

He takes a moment outside the communications room to breathe, center himself and get his game face on and then he enters. Hackett's quick and to the point. By the end of the briefing, they're heading towards Noveria for a reunion that John's been eager for. It's about damned time he gets a little back at The Illusive Man. He's looking forward to it more than he probably should be. 

It's not that anyone on the _Normandy_ 's given him any shit for his Cerberus ties other than Kaidan and that's in the past. He still catches the occasional look, the one that says that they're watching him, just in case. There's a hesitation to the way that some of the crew speak to him or around him, as if they have to remind themselves that he's to be trusted. He gets it. He understands it but he can't help the way that he feels uncomfortable with it. He did what he did and he has no regrets other than that it's put this distance between him and the crew and if that leads to the crew hesitating when they're needed, then he'll regret it and only then. 

So far, though, they haven't. They've listened to him, backed him up and gone where he's ordered. It's a trust and a responsibility that weighs heavy on him, especially now that they're heading into a Cerberus base to rescue Cerberus scientists. He knows what it's going to look like. That doesn't stop him from ordering Joker to head towards Noveria. They'll take out the fighters and help with gutting Cerberus. 

In the shuttle, after the mission and as they're heading towards the _Normandy_ , Shepard watches Kaidan as Kaidan stares at something only he can see. "You had something you needed to share with me, Major? Something about Anderson?" 

Kaidan startles enough that he slides on the bench, knocking his elbow into the side of the shuttle. "It can hold for later." 

"You sure? It sounded important." 

"Not anything that I can't take care of." 

"If you need help, you know you can rely on me." 

"I dug the hole by myself, I need to climb out of it by myself. But thanks, Shepard." 

With the way that Kaidan's slumped on the seat, John wants to push to find out what could possibly be going on with Kaidan, especially as it relates to Anderson. He wonders if it's about Kaidan's family. John's been willing to help anyone and everyone if it means even one more person to hold the line and fight back against the Reapers. It bothers him that he's being blocked from helping Kaidan right now. 

One thing he's learned, though, is that he can't fix everything. Kaidan can take care of his own thing if that's how he wants it. John has to focus on the big picture. It's what he would've done before they started whatever it is that they've started. Just because they've kissed and touched doesn't mean that John's going to put Kaidan's problems before the rest of the galaxy, no matter how much he wants to fix it and support him. Besides, Kaidan's earned his Spectre status and John respects that. Even more, he respects Kaidan's abilities so if Kaidan says that he can take care of it, John's going to step back. 

No matter how convinced he is of Kaidan's skills and abilities, he wants to hurry out of the shuttle after Kaidan. He doesn't, though. Instead, he watches Kaidan strip his armor, stow his gear and then head off to what John can only assume is the Starboard Observation. Starting to follow, he catches himself and heads over to James. 

"Hey," James mutters as he fiddles with a gun. 

"Could use your help with this." John holds out his rifle. "The sight's off." 

"Yeah? I got a new mod that might fit. We heading anywhere that you need this back like yesterday?" 

"No, back to the Citadel to deliver some stuff, maybe get the crew some downtime. We have orders to head somewhere else but I need to confirm some details with the Council first." 

"Anything I can help with?" 

"I've got this for now." 

"Anxious to see some action. You could maybe take me along, the next time." 

"That you trying to be subtle?" John raises an eyebrow and laughs when James flushes and rubs at the back of his neck. "Let me see that ink." 

"Yeah? All right." James strips his shirt off and turns around so that John can see the N7 clearly on his skin. 

"Impressive work. Almost blends right in with the rest of your ink." Before he can think much, he touches the skin, feels how smooth it is.

"Yeah, those Batarians, they might be homicidal jackals but they know what they're doing with a tattoo needle and some ink." 

"That they do, James. You'll earn it." He pats the ink. "And put a shirt on. You're always showing off, making me feel like a decrepit old man over here." 

"Can't help the truth, Loco."

James shrugs back into his shirt and John waves him off, not all that interested in getting into a verbal sparring match with James. He's too tired for any other kind of match. When John turns around, he catches Kaidan staring at them. "Thanks for working on that." 

"Yeah, no problem. You could hook a guy up with a little extra shore leave, though. There's a poker tournament I could make a killing in." 

"Or you could get your ass handed to you. Just remember, your clothes are Alliance property so you can't gamble 'em away." 

"Yes, sir." James clearly means it in the least polite manner as he snaps a sarcastic salute while John makes his way to Kaidan. 

"Hey," he says, tone softening because Kaidan looks messed up even worse than just a few minutes ago when he'd stalked towards the elevator. 

"What? Oh yeah, fine, fine. I mean, it's not every day you see, well, I don't really get a say, do I?" 

"That doesn't make any sense." John touches Kaidan's arm and, when Kaidan pulls back at his touch, tries to do his best to keep the hurt from showing. 

"None of this entire thing makes sense. There something I should know about between you and Vega?" 

"You jealous?" John wonders if the glee that he feels right now is appropriate or if he should be pissed that Kaidan thinks that he'd have anything to do with James when he has Kaidan. It'd be like wanting hot dogs for dinner when there's gourmet steak right in front of him. One doesn't become an N7 by being stupid and making poor decisions. It's something he wants to tell Kaidan but he holds back. 

Now that he's an N7, he's allowed to make a poor decision every once in awhile. He's earned it so he starts with nodding towards James. "He's built, huh?" 

"Yeah, that he is." Kaidan shakes his head before summoning the elevator. When it opens, Kaidan enters, turning to ask, "You staying here or…" 

"I've gotta go debrief with Hackett." John steps into the elevator, standing closer than he would with any other crew member on the _Normandy_. It's a small thrill that he doesn't think he'll ever get used to, doesn't want to get used to it or take it for granted that he can. Then again, he keeps acting the way he just had and he might not have a chance to do it in the future. 

"That what you call your talk with Vega?" Kaidan mutters, low and under his breath, as if he thinks that John can't hear. John wonders if he should confess about the hearing that Cerberus gave him or if that would just remind Kaidan of all that they've worked through and Cerberus would fuck with what he's finally got.

"You say something?" 

"Nothing." Kaidan sounds disgruntled and John can't help the smile and laugh threatening to bubble out of him. His pinky reaches over, touching Kaidan's hand, tracing along until he wraps it around Kaidan's pinky finger. It humbles him when Kaidan hooks his own pinky around John's. There they are, two soldiers standing in beat up armor and off duty uniforms and they're holding hands. John wishes, for just a moment, that Allers was there to snap a photo of their hands so he can have this moment for all time, frozen for everyone to see it. Then he thanks all the stars that Allers isn't here to snap a photo of it and share it with the world. He'd like to keep it to themselves even more than he wants to crow to the galaxy that he has this; this specialness, this Spectre, this man, for himself. 

The elevator opens and Kaidan steps away, their fingers still touching for half a second. Kaidan gives his finger a squeeze and then exits the elevator. John watches him walk away, the elevator doors framing that ass and he wants a handful of it so he puts his hand on the doors and calls out, "Come by for a drink?" 

"Just a quick one," Kaidan says over his shoulder. 

"I wouldn't dream of taking any more of your time than that."


	7. Chapter 7

When Kaidan had signed on for this mission, he'd known there would be a certain level of pretending. He just hadn't expected that it would be as easy as it is. When he'd felt Shepard's pinky wrap around his, it had been natural to wrap his own back around Shepard's, entwining them. He doesn't understand why he'd been so upset watching Shepard touch Vega's back, hadn't cared before so he's not certain why it had stunned him speechless, frozen, as he'd watched Shepard's hand trace along Vega's back. 

Perhaps this was his chance to end his mission. He could push Shepard towards James. They'd seemed so comfortable with one another. He'd seen the way that Shepard's hand had lingered on the ink on James's back, fingertips tracing along that broad back and all that skin, all those tight muscles. Once Shepard sees that James is a possibility, he'd dump Kaidan and then Kaidan could report that his mission is a failure but that he'd found a replacement. After all, James had stayed steady beside Shepard throughout knowing one another, had challenged but never betrayed Shepard, had never turned his back on him, never abandoned him, never lied to him, never misled him. Never linked pinkies.

Never kissed him. 

Kaidan's hand touches his lips, fingertips feeling where there's still just the slightest amount of stubble burn on them. He's not able to picture the pair of them kissing, no matter how hard he tries. All that comes to mind is the way that Shepard had looked right before he'd kissed Kaidan. His hand reaches up and touches his eyebrow, where he can still feel the ghost touch of Shepard's lips as they'd brushed little kisses across Kaidan's face. 

He simply can't picture Shepard doing the same, treating James to softness and smiles, can only picture rough hands picking Shepard up and slamming him against the wall, ravaging his lips and dominating the entire scenario. Maybe Shepard needs that, to give up control for a bit and let someone else make the decisions for a while, get his mind away from being the Commander and just be Shepard, instead. But would James be able to do that, to be the rock that Shepard can brace himself against? Or is James too much like a mountain, unbending and so large that he can't see the little things? 

Perhaps, rather than thinking about future plans between the two, Kaidan should find out if James is interested in Shepard as more than the Commander. He makes a mental note to approach James in their off-time, somehow. Until then, he'll just watch and observe, see if there's any sort of returned feelings between James and Shepard. 

Until then, he'll keep pretending, hoping it becomes natural, which is exactly what he does as he heads up to Shepard's quarters for that quick drink after taking a quick shower. The door chimes and then slides open at his touch so he heads in. "Shepard?" 

There's no answer other than the sound of the shower. Kaidan takes a seat on the sofa, staring at the bed for a few minutes. His fingertips touch his lips once more, remembering the kisses from the last time they'd been in here together. Shepard affects him more than he'd imagined in the shower. He hadn't realized what Shepard's hands on his face or his arms would actually do. Then again, he'd never imagined Shepard as the sort to brush a kiss across an eyebrow or hold hands. Perhaps he's not as good at reading people as he'd thought. 

It's a humbling moment. He wonders what else he might've gotten wrong, like his doubts with Shepard. Surely Cerberus wouldn't have programmed a VI to do something as soft, human, silly and _touching_ as holding pinkies. The mental image of The Illusive Man ordering that programming into anyone has him snorting with laughter. 

"Something you want to share with the group at large, Major?" 

Kaidan jumps at Shepard's voice, turning around and freezing at the sight of Shepard standing at the top of the small set of stairs, clad only in a tiny white towel. The towel leaves very little to the imagination, barely covering parts of his thighs. "Problems, Major?" 

"Jesus, Shepard, put on some clothes."

"Your wish, my command." Shepard has the audacity to wink before turning slowly, heading back towards the bathroom. 

Kaidan can see the muscles flexing underneath that towel and, dammit, he's only a man. A man with urges. So he does what any redblooded man would do in this situation and he follows Shepard into the bathroom, leaning his chest against his back and staring at him in the mirror as Shepard braces against the sink. Kaidan's lips find Shepard's neck, touching just near the amp. Shepard shivers, gooseflesh raising on his arms as his hair stands at attention. Kaidan wants more, wants Shepard to remember that it was Kaidan right now, even after Kaidan's given Shepard to James. 

Because Kaidan's going to remember the feel of Shepard's flesh under his lips for a long time after this. He's going to remember how Shepard leans back against him, arching his neck and asking for more than just a quick brush of lips. Kaidan's still looking at Shepard when his lips trace from the neck to the collarbone to nip at the side of Shepard's neck before sliding up and taking Shepard's lobe between his teeth. 

"Thought some things were worth taking slow?" 

"That was before you came out there in a towel. Who the hell could resist you in a towel? I'm only human, Shepard." Kaidan sounds disgruntled because he is. He never asked for this. Feels begrudgingly like it's being forced on him, by Anderson, by Shepard and, worst of all, by himself. Closing his eyes, he touches his lips to Shepard's collarbone again, pressing kisses along it until he reaches that muscular shoulder with all the ripples and indents so his tongue can trace each and every one of them. His hands, guided by his libido or whatever else that's ignoring his moral code and his mind, come around Shepard to hold him close, press him further back and into Kaidan's embrace. With his eyes closed, he can imagine this is a dream of Shepard, that he'll wake up shortly and the orders from Anderson will go away. 

Shepard's head leans back, resting on Kaidan's shoulder as he continues to work at the skin along Shepard's shoulder and bicep while his hands trace Shepard's chest, fingers tugging at Shepard's nipples. With his eyes closed, it feels like his fingertips get more sensitive to the point that he can feel where the skin grafts were simply by the texture and heat from Shepard's skin. It seems warmer where the synthetic skin is. Kaidan maps out everything he can about Shepard's skin, roaming from one side of his chest to his other, down over his stomach and teasing at the line of the towel. 

"Kaidan, please," Shepard whispers into his ear, teeth tugging at his lobe. In his imagination, Shepard would never beg so it's enough to pull him out of it, sending his eyes flying wide open as he makes eye contact with Shepard in the mirror. His right palm is splayed across Shepard's stomach, fingertips barely delving into the knot of the towel while his left fingers pluck at Shepard's nipple. 

Kaidan looks panicked, which only gets worse as Shepard's face shutters and closes as he grabs Kaidan's hands and pulls them away from his body. "I should get dressed. I'll meet you outside." 

The dismissal is clear so Kaidan nods, steps back and heads out of the bathroom, going back to his seat on the sofa. He picks up his datapad, scanning it for what he'd planned on working on before getting distracted by Shepard in a towel. In light of how he's messing things up between them makes the notes on James and Shepard, the proposed questions and possible scenarios to get them together, seem even more reasonable. 

"Downtime at the Citadel coming up, not a lot of it but I've got to report to the Council," Shepard says as he approaches, carrying a bottle and two tumblers. 

"Yeah?" His voice cracks on it so he repeats himself. "Shepard, I – "

"Look, I get it. You're not ready for us to be physical. It scares you for some reason. I get it. I'm not going to push you. You can stop trying to push yourself into it for whatever reason." Shepard sits on the other end of the sofa, grabbing his own datapad and scrolling through it. Kaidan wants him to look up, say something that Kaidan can blame him for, if just to end this mission so they can go back to being friends and brothers-in-arm. For once, Kaidan can be the magnanimous one if Shepard would just blame him for stepping back, get angry about it and say something regrettable. 

This understanding Shepard, the one with the carefully measured voice, as if he's talking to the Dalatrass or a dignitary from some hostile planet, is so hard to get pissed at, to storm out and end this. Instead, all it does is make him care about Shepard and how Kaidan's treating him. It's unfair that he's so understanding. Just once, it'd be nice if Shepard would show that he was human and fuck something up, say the wrong thing or act erratically. 

How's Kaidan supposed to respond to that, anyway? With the truth? He can't do that, not right now, not with the taste of Shepard still on his lips and his fingers still tingling from feeling Shepard's bare skin while his shirt has the imprint of Shepard's body leaning against it. Hell, he can even feel the small rasp of Shepard's shorn hair against his neck. 

"What do you need to report to the Council about? Anything I can help with?" 

"The Geth and the Quarians are up to something. We're supposed to head out there but I need to check in and get more details, first." 

"Of course it's the Geth," Kaidan says, looking back to his datapad. 

"What better time to restart a centuries long conflict than while the Reapers are invading the galaxy?" 

"It's when I would do it, when there's a lack of allies to bail me out. Perfect timing." 

"Yeah."

> _Admiral Anderson,_

> _There are some complications to the current situation. I understand your request for a romantic relationship but I do not think that I'm steady enough to be a rock for him. Shepard seems drawn to others on the ship that are more suited to fulfilling his needs._

> _At this time, I find it regrettable but necessary to deviate from your orders. I will see if I can facilitate a relationship between Shepard and another crew member._

> _Major Kaidan Alenko_

Anderson stares at the latest message, unsure how to interpret it. If it wasn't so hard to get the freedom for the frequency to talk in person, and if it wouldn't be so hard to duck Shepard on it, he'd be speaking to Alenko as person-to-person as he could. Instead, he's left with ambiguous written reports. What does Alenko mean that he's not steady? The man has as unflappable integrity as any one Anderson has ever met. His integrity is what kept him from N7, never even made the testing because his review had shown how unwilling he was to compromise his morals to get the job done. 

It's something to be envied at times but right now, all Anderson wants to do is grab him and shake him until he realizes that he's already the rock for Shepard. God save him from the drama of the young. He'd thought he'd passed far away from this when he'd missed his opportunity to have a life with Kahlee and then when he'd gotten out of the recruit training path. The constant whining and drama the young put themselves through over things that are painfully clear to those that can sit back and observe drives him barmy. 

What Anderson doesn't need right now is this sort of distraction. There's something going down in London, something big that he's going to have to figure out. He doesn't have the mental capacity to worry about Shepard and Alenko's drama along with whatever is happening in London. It's stressful enough to get to London, crossing over the ocean and praying that the Reapers take no notice of them as they do. 

Anderson steps off the boat and salutes the soldier that greets him. "Coats, sir." 

"Anderson."

"This way, we have a safe location a bit of a distance away." 

Coats leads him further to a Mako. Once they're in, Coats debriefs him about the status of the war against the Reapers, what they know is going on in London, what they suspect and what they've done so far. The situation is even more dire than he'd thought so he's understandably more abrupt that he would've been normally as he fires off a message back to Alenko.

> _Major,_

> _The galaxy is counting on you to pull your head out of your ass and get this taken care of._

> _Admiral Anderson_


	8. Chapter 8

James is in the refugee area of the docking bay and, of course, the man's playing poker. "Got room for one more?" 

"Hey, Blue! Nice of you to join us. I'm always willing to have another person to take money from. Pull up a seat." James gestures to the place right next to him so Kaidan slides into it, looking around at the various players. "We're playing stud." 

"Deal me in." Kaidan puts down his small stack of credits. "But just remember, James, your clothes are Alliance issue so don't go losing them to me. They're not yours to lose." 

"Yeah, yeah, you and the Commander think you're hilarious, don't you?" James deals the cards. Kaidan doesn't grimace at his hand though he doesn't hold out a lot of hope for a good showing. Hopefully, his credits last long enough that he can broach the subject of Shepard with James. "Well, we'll see who's the last one laughing." 

Kaidan loses the first hand. The second one doesn't go much better. The third one, he folds early. On the fourth one, he decides to start wading in to the conversation as James crows about knowing what he's doing and how the Commander can _suck it_. "How're you and Shepard?" 

"We're good. Loco's pure crazy, of course, but we're good. Why?" 

"Just wondering. I know you were upset that we left Earth when we did." 

"We're doing good stuff up here, helping out and Holy Mother, now that's what I'm talking about!" James takes the fourth hand, too. "Can't be too upset, not with knowing that we've got the Krogans and the Turians to help when we go back to kick some Reaper ass." 

"There's that. I just wanted to make sure you were good with Shepard and not returning to Earth like you wanted." Kaidan keeps his poker face on as he looks at his flush. It's a great hand. Hopefully enough to win back some of his meager credits. 

"Yeah, we're good, Blue. I hear you're good with the Commander, too." There's a leer on James's face when he says it. "In fact, I hear you're more than good." 

"Oh?" Kaidan stares at James until he's the first to look away. Sometimes, being known as the serious hardass without a sense of humor's good for something. 

"Yeah. Look, I'm happy for you." 

They all lay down their cards, James reaching for the pot until Kaidan puts his hand over James's, pointing towards his own hand. "I think this is my pot." 

"Nice one." The next hand's dealt and Kaidan's got another great hand, three aces that are sure to do some damage to the pot. "So yeah, glad to see someone making the Commander happy. Figured it might be you once we left Earth and then during Mars. Man needs someone to lean on. No man's an island and all that shit." 

"You're not interested in him then?" Kaidan keeps his tone innocent of anything while the betting keeps going higher and higher. He's no longer feeling confident about his plan or his hand. 

"Interested how? Goddammit, how'd you pull that one out? Son of a bitch," James says, throwing his cards down as he sees that Kaidan's taken another hand.

"Interested romantically. I caught the end of your sparring match the other day, you two seemed very physical with one another." 

"Uh, Blue? It was a sparring match. It'd better be physical or we're doing it wrong." The next hand comes out, Kaidan's been dealt a full house. He can't look up, not to see James's patronizing face, especially when his own feels like it's flaming. At least he's got some sort of luck, anyway, even if it's in the poker game and not with getting James and Shepard to fall in love. 

"Nothing more than that, though? Shepard's a handsome man." 

"You trying to get me to admit I like your boyfriend?"

That flush spreads further, creeping down his neck and under his collar. His back straightens until it feels like there's a rod in there. Kaidan doesn't even bother giving his cards more than a rudimentary look before raising the pool. "Uh, no, no, not at all." 

"That's believable sounding." James raises him, Kaidan tosses in credits to call. James takes the hand. 

"I just…" Kaidan's voice trails off. He can't tell James about his orders from Anderson, not if he can't tell Shepard, who deserves to hear it first. 

"Just nervous about it? Jealous? I mean, Shepard's a good looking man, I'll give you that but I've got eyes and I can tell his are focused on you. Not going to waste my time, especially when there are others out there to have an 'end of the world as we know it' relationship with. You gonna bet?" 

"What? Oh yeah, here." Kaidan tosses in a bunch of credits without looking at his hand once again. 

"You sure about that?" 

"Yeah, I'm sure." 

"They're your credits." James shrugs, the round progressing in awkward silence as Kaidan wonders how to broach the fact that he'd seen the way that Shepard had stared at James, had touched his back, tracing along all that skin. 

"So if you're not interested, what was that little thing after your last match?" 

"What thing?" Kaidan can see how confused James looks at his question. He can feel the situation slipping out of his control, as if he'd had any sort of control over it at all. Talking with James is like riding in the Mako with Shepard at the wheel, more time spent airborne than with wheels firmly on the ground. 

"When he was touching your back." 

"Oh, that. You gonna call?" 

"Yes, that. And yes, I'm going to call." 

"Four of a kind," James says, waving his four fives in front of Kaidan. 

"Straight flush," Kaidan says, waving his own cards at James. 

"Son of a bitch." 

"I'm out," one of the other players says, reminding Kaidan that there were other players at the table. 

"Me too," the other player says, standing up and collecting his few remaining credits. 

"Another hand, you and me?" James grabs the deck and shuffles, showing off as he makes the cards fly. 

"Yeah, if you'll tell me why Shepard was touching you like that." 

"Got a new tattoo, he was just admiring it. Wanna see?" 

"Just a tattoo?" 

"Yeah. He not tell you about it?" 

"No." 

"Good man. Kept the secret." 

"What secret?" What little control Kaidan thinks he ever had is now completely gone. He should've realized that the conversation was going to bowl him over considering how big and out of control James could be. Add in Shepard and he should've remembered that it was going to be an exercise in futility to ever contemplate it. 

"Nothing much. He's just helping me out with something." 

"And that requires touching a tattoo?" 

"He wanted to see it so I showed it to him. We playing?" 

"Yeah, deal." 

"All right, then, Blue, show me what you've got." James deals quickly. He's got three threes. Of course he does because the pot is growing huge and Kaidan's so confused that he just keeps betting.

When they've called it and they're revealing their hands, Kaidan's amazed that he won. James has a pair of sevens. "Nice." 

"Thanks." Kaidan can hear the begrudging and belligerent tone in his voice. Still, his mother had taught him plenty of manners and that included thanking a person for a compliment, no matter how begrudgingly given. For a second, he wonders what his mother would think of him going along with Anderson's orders and initiating a relationship simply to help the galaxy out, whether she'd think he was whoring himself out or if he was doing the right thing. 

"You still hung up on Shepard touching my back?"

"No. It's fine. You're allowed your secrets." 

"I'll prove to you that Shepard doesn't want a thing with me and that he only has eyes for you." 

The idea appeals to him though he wonders why it does considering that he's doing this because of orders and only because of orders. "Oh yeah? How?" 

"I hear Loco and Scars are planning on grabbing a drink at Purgatory. Come with me. Dance a little. See what he does." 

"Can't. I have to avoid loud places like that. Triggers migraines." 

"I promise you that Loco will kiss it better." 

_Dammit_ , Kaidan thinks to himself because the idea of Shepard massaging the tense skin around his amp appeals to him even more than the idea of proving whether or not Shepard wants him or just anyone that can steady him. "All right. You're on but if it doesn't turn out, you're explaining to Chakwas that the migraine wasn't my fault." 

"You've got yourself a deal. I'll comm you when I notice they're at Purgatory. And you're buying me a drink, too, after all of this. Least you can do after taking most of my credits." 

"Fine." 

"Wear something other than your BDUs. If I'm stuck dancing with you, which I doubt because Loco is going to go pure loco over the idea of the two of us dancing together, you need to look less…less… that and more approachable. You'll see." James has a grin on his face, like he's plotting something. It makes Kaidan suspicious. 

"What do you get out of this?" 

"I get to watch the Commander squirm because of me. Plus, maybe something will work out for me." 

"What something?" 

"That's personal." 

"So's my relationship with Shepard." 

"Not if you're coming to me asking if I'm interested in him." 

Kaidan sighs. He doesn't even know why he agreed to the orders from Anderson. Everything's spiraling even further out of his control. All he wants is for the galaxy to be safe, that's not asking too much, right? Longing for the days when Spectres took care of smuggling rings and mass murderers instead of Reaper invasions and Batarians and Geth, Kaidan sighs again. 

"I'll comm you." James stands and heads out, leaving Kaidan alone with his thoughts. For some reason, even worse than this whole mess is the fact that he only has his BDUs so he's got nothing to wear for this stupid night out that's only going to result in a headache and heartache.


	9. Chapter 9

"Integrity," Garrus says, drawing out each of the syllables until the word's four times as long as intended.

"Yes, Garrus?" John leans against the bar next to Garrus, trying to figure out where Garrus is going with this. 

"He have integrity in bed? Wait, wait, don't answer that. I don't want to contemplate the sexual habits of you and Alenko." 

"There are none so you don't have to worry." Perhaps he sounds a bit more bitter than he'd intended but it's out there now. 

"I thought you humans liked to go at it like… what was the phrase James used? Oh yes, like rabbits." Garrus orders them each another drink while they stand at the bar like two old soldiers, watching the crowd ebb and flow while they stand stiff and ready for action. There's a void around them, as if people are too afraid to get close to them, like either they'll be shanghaied into a mission, reprimanded for something or afraid of them. John admits, at least privately, that they can make an intimidating pair. Garrus still hasn't gotten out of his armor and John's face is one of the most recognizable human faces in the galaxy, even for the species that think all humans look alike. After their drinks appear and the cost waived off, John says, "We're taking it slow." 

"Three years not slow enough?" Garrus salutes him with a drink. 

"Guess not." Once more, he sounds more bitter than he intends. Perhaps Kaidan's distance bothers him more than he'd thought. After all, Kaidan had been the one that started it, he'd been the one to push the issue at lunch, confessing an enduring want that echoes exactly what John's been feeling all these years. Perhaps John should've paid attention to the hesitation in Kaidan's words that he'd thought was nervousness but could've been more. Probably is more than nerves. 

"Speaking of Alenko," Garrus says, gesturing towards the entrance where Kaidan's entering, looking around before heading towards the dance floor. He's out of uniform, wearing some sort of trousers that cling to his ass and the shirt, tight across the chest and showing off his muscles, looks familiar though John can't place why. 

"Wonder what he's doing here? Thought a place as loud as this would bother his amp." 

"You going after him?" 

"Giving him a bit of distance." 

"Already at that stage? Married old couple that doesn't have sex?" Garrus looks at him and it doesn't take a Turian expert to read the disbelieving look on Garrus's face. 

"Don't know where we are so I'm giving him space. Nothing more than that." 

"Oh yeah? Does that space include letting him dance with Jimmy Vega?" 

"What?" John looks up at the dance floor. For a moment, he doesn't see them and then, he can't unsee it, can't unsee the way that their bodies are really close together and Kaidan's whispering in James's ear. The sense memory of the touch of Kaidan's teeth on his ear hit and he rubs at his ear as he watches them turn so that all he can see is James's back. That's enough that he's across the bar and walking up the steps before he realizes where he's going. 

Slinking into a spot between a smuggler planning on stealing Alliance medical supplies and the pilot that refuses (he makes a mental note to report the one to C-Sec to nip that in the bud), he watches the pair of them dance. From here, it's not nearly as intimate looking as it had been from down below but, still, they're closer than John would like. James's arms go around Kaidan and that's when John sees red, can't control himself as he's across the room and between them in a second. "Don't mind me, James." 

"Course not, Commander," James says, a quick salute and then he heads to the bar, a funny smile on his face. 

"Didn't know you like to come here," John says, tugging Kaidan closer to him, closer than he'd been to James. 

"Came to find James." 

"Oh?" John pauses in the middle of the dance floor, arms going to his sides as he steps back from Kaidan. 

"Needed to talk to him about something." 

"That sort of talk include … nevermind. Just, nevermind. Sorry to interrupt." John steps back one more step and then turns on his heel to walk away. 

"Shepard, wait!" Kaidan grabs his arm, turning him around and holding on as John just stands there. 

"What, Kaidan? Just what is it?" he snaps at Kaidan, tugging his arm away and crossing them across his chest. 

"Shepard, can we," Kaidan trails off, looking around the dance floor before stepping closer. "Can we go somewhere else? A little quieter?" 

"Sure, why not?" John wants to slap himself with the way he's speaking. He doesn't really feel this frustrated with Kaidan most of the time but for him to blow hot and cold to John and then to decide to rub against James like that? It's made the earlier bitterness explode into petulance. 

John starts off the dance floor only to catch a glimpse of James and Steve standing close. John's seen that smile on Steve's face, remembers it pointed at him when Steve had asked him to join him here at Purgatory for a drink, just before he'd ended up with Kaidan. Mentally wishing Steve luck that he doesn't encounter the same thing John's going through, John stalks off the dance floor and into one of the private rooms held secure by Aria's men. "Get lost," he orders and the men do it. 

"We're in a room controlled by a notorious crime lord." 

"Yes, yes we are but it's quieter." John leans against the wall, crossing his arms as he waits for whatever it is that Kaidan had wanted to say. "You were about to say?" 

"I, just. That is." Kaidan's looking everywhere but at him and John's temper spikes again. 

"Glad we got that out of the way. I'll head back out to my drink with Garrus."

Kaidan reaches a hand out once more. "Please, I don't know how to say this. Just… just give me a minute to think." 

"All right." John sits on the sofa and watches Kaidan pace back and forth. 

"I thought I saw, that is, you were touching and – "

"Need another minute to think up something that makes more sense?" 

"Great, now he thinks he's being funny!" Kaidan throws his hands in the air and turns his back as he paces more. 

When Kaidan takes a swipe at the edge of an end table, upsetting the lamp sitting there, John stands and wraps his arms around Kaidan, stilling him. "I'm sorry. Now explain, however you want." 

"You were touching James," Kaidan says, putting his hands over John's where they rest against Kaidan's stomach. "I didn't realize I'd get jealous." 

"So you danced with him to get back at me?" 

"No! I, just, we were playing poker and James told me that it wasn't like I thought and he'd prove it by dancing with me." Kaidan leans back, head resting against John's shoulder, making him flashback to when it was him leaning against Kaidan. "It's stupid." 

"So you put on your sexy civvies and came to test me?" John can't believe the emotional roller coaster he's on. He's back to pissed off that Kaidan would doubt him when he's been the constant one and Kaidan's been the one flipping and flopping all over the place. 

"Even worse. They're yours," Kaidan moans, sounding embarrassed and there's another loop on the roller coaster as John goes right back to indulgent. 

"Mine?" 

"Yeah, I had EDI let me into your quarters. I figure we're about the same size and all I have are my BDUs and James said to grab something that wasn't them. I didn't have time to go shopping and I hoped you wouldn't mind." 

There're two ways John wants to react to this. He wants to be pissed that Kaidan snuck into his cabin, going through his personal belongings and borrowing them without permission but then. Well, then there's the other way of it that turns John on, that Kaidan's covered in John, that as he was dancing with Vega, John's still staking a claim all over him. 

"This is my shirt?" 

"Yeah." 

"My pants?" 

"Yeah." 

"You wearing my underwear, too?" The more John thinks about it, the more he likes the idea of it. The only thing keeping him from grinding his hard cock into Kaidan's ass is how stiff Kaidan's standing. His grey t-shirt feels odd under his hands, the fabric feeling different with the heat of Kaidan's body warming it. 

"No." 

"So did I pass your test?" 

"I didn't mean it as a test, Shepard. I trust you, I do. I'm the one all mixed up." 

"So what's got you all mixed up? What can I do to help?" 

"Nothing. It's my mess." 

"Considering the way you blow hot and cold, I'd say it's our mess." 

"I'll get it taken care of and then we'll see." 

"There someone else?" 

"No!" From Kaidan's vehemence and immediate answer, John believes him but the fact that there's something going on, something not nearly as obvious and fixable as someone else, frustrates him. 

"All right." John squeezes Kaidan and then lets go. "So let me know when whatever it is is taken care of." 

With that, he walks out the door, not looking back to see if Kaidan's following or if he's standing alone. John needs some time away from this, some time to just _be_. When he gets back to Garrus at the bar, his drink's been replaced with a fresh one. 

"Tiff over?" 

"Not the only thing that's over," John mutters, low under his breath but Garrus hears it anyway. 

"Cheer up. Could be worse." 

"Oh yeah? How so?" 

"He could be me."


	10. Chapter 10

Kaidan finds himself pacing, back and forth, in the Starboard Observation, cheeks flaming and head pounding as he tries to figure out just when his life went to shit. At first, he thinks it's the message from Anderson asking him to reconsider his refusal and, when he had, he'd decided that, yes, Shepard deserves someone to lean on, that he's capable of it when he's not capable of it in the least. But then there's the way he'd seen Shepard smile, as he'd asked to join the Normandy. That's a factor, too, it'd made him think that perhaps Shepard did care for him romantically. There's also that first conversation with Anderson, when Anderson had first made his order. 

Kaidan keeps tracing back, past Horizon and then earlier with Saren and then even earlier to Virmire, to Eden Prime, to getting stationed aboard the _Normandy_ to going to BAaT to being exposed to eezo. Perhaps he's always been meant to have a horrible life. Maybe he's paying penance for some misdeed in a past life. Maybe his parents made a deal with that devil Ashley believed in. 

Maybe all of this can't be explained and he's just going to have to deal with it. Shepard's right; Kaidan's been blowing hot and cold for too long and he's only surprised it took this long for Shepard to point it out. If it had been him being led on, Kaidan's quite certain he would've been less polite about it. 

Now that he's tasted Shepard, seen Shepard's secret smiles and known his silly, romantic side, Kaidan can't go back to not knowing, not experiencing. He'd been fooling himself with the idea that he could blissfully hand Shepard over to James and call it a day. Jealous over a quick touch to a tattoo and how did he think he'd deal with seeing that smile turned towards James? There's no way, not now that he's seen it, touched it, tasted it. 

Everything is so different than he'd imagined going into this. He'd never imagined Shepard as so softly romantic, so personable, so intriguing. Never imagined how much he'd want to see more of Shepard's soft side, never imagined how jealous he'd get (or even that he was capable of jealousy), never imagined how much he'd plain _want_. 

His head's throbbing from the music and that promised massage isn't going to happen. Kaidan makes a note to collect his winnings from James though he doesn't remember what he's won. His thinking isn't exactly clear right now, he knows it. He's too muddled up with everything to consider all the angles. Hell, if he'd been thinking, he would've seen that James had his eyes somewhere else, wherever else, than Shepard. It'd been a fool's errand to go to Purgatory. Though it had been nice to see that Shepard was jealous, the same as Kaidan. 

Flopping into the chair, he throws an arm over his eyes and tries to just think things through. It's a tactical mistake as the scent of Shepard covers his face from the borrowed t-shirt. The scent's subtle but enough to remind Kaidan of being pressed against that body, of holding John in the bathroom and the scent and taste of his skin. He's fucked. So very, very fucked. If he tells Shepard, he'll lose the ability to taste, to even help the galaxy because Shepard's not going to forgive this sort of betrayal. If he doesn't tell Shepard, then… then… then maybe he wouldn't find out. After all, only Anderson and Kaidan know about his orders. 

Maybe he could keep the taste and feel of Shepard. He'll get to stay on the _Normandy_ and he'll still help the galaxy. All he has to do is keep quiet about the orders, keep the secret even deeper and further than he has in the past few weeks. He'll have to start encrypting his messages to Anderson better than he has been. 

Now all he has to do is get back into Shepard's good graces. He doesn't think a simple apology is going to be enough. No, instead, he'll have to make a better gesture than that. 

"EDI?" 

"Yes, Major?" 

"How much longer are we on the Citadel for?" 

"Until twenty-hundred tomorrow." 

"Thanks." He's got plenty of time to get something for his head, grab some sleep and go shopping. Hopefully, he'll figure out the grand gesture. 

In the morning, he heads to the Presidium Commons, wandering the shops. He rules out a new rifle and a new pistol. He debates a set of armor for a few minutes but then decides that it doesn't have much of that personal touch he's looking for. There's a display of model ships but he thinks Shepard has each of them already. The fish catch his eye but he's fairly certain that Shepard has each of the species he sees. The VI would be helpful to Shepard, let him focus on the beauty of the fish instead of having to worry over their lives but it's not enough. Kaidan still purchases it and then continues wandering. 

He stops and watches a trailer for the new Blasto movie, laughing at the lines from Blasto's Elcor partner and then moves on further, ignoring the advertisements for Sanctuary. He's been here hours already and nothing's struck him so far. Shepard's voice comes out of a small store, something about this shop being his favorite on the Citadel. Kaidan can't help but to look at the window display of photos and videos, all about Shepard. There are action shots of Shepard looking dashing during the Cerberus coup by Udina, including a few of him riding on the top of an elevator. There are videos of him jumping over railings and running along blown-apart balconies, barely keeping from dropping over the edge. He looks fearless and amazing, the Commander Shepard of everyone's dreams. 

If Kaidan didn't know him, he'd think that this was all there was to Shepard, too. But there's more to him than any of these videos of him protecting the Citadel during the first attack, way back before Cerberus and Ashley's death and… and an idea hits Kaidan square between the eyes as he stares at the action figures and VI that supposedly sounds like Shepard. 

Hurrying along, Kaidan makes his way to C-Sec's office, thankful to find Bailey behind his desk. "You have a minute?" 

"Anything for you, Major." 

"You think there's any vid records from your predecessor? I'm looking for before Saren's attack on the Citadel years ago." 

"Sure, got a timeframe in mind?" 

"Yeah," Kaidan says and then describes about when he's looking for. Bailey starts going through the video records and Kaidan spends the next few hours scrolling through even more hours and hours of records until he finds what he's looking for. There on the security cameras are the three of them – Ashley, Shepard and Kaidan – wandering the Citadel. Kaidan downloads the file onto his omni-tool and keeps watching, tracking the three of them as they wander around, pausing to look at videos or heading to a bar together. There's great surveillance of them grabbing a meal together and Shepard hamming it up, making them both laugh. 

Kaidan's fingers trace Ashley's smile, missing her fiercely. He wonders what she'd say about the two of them together, if she'd be happy for them or if she'd wonder if that was why she'd died rather than Kaidan. He misses her wit and her belief structure. He misses being able to just sit next to her and not worry about anything at all. He misses her at his back. 

Once he has plenty, he thanks Bailey and heads back to that store in the Presidium. Cost doesn't matter as he has the shop make photos of the three of them eating and another of them walking along a walkway, Shepard's hands waving frantically as he mimes a Blasto movie maneuver. 

He's cutting it close to be back onboard in enough time for rollcall and then departure so he's barely keeping himself from running as he carries his packages and makes his way through the maze of the Citadel. Taking a moment to catch his breath and his composure, he heads onto the _Normandy_. 

"EDI?" 

"Yes, Major?" 

"Could you tell me where the Commander is?" 

"He is meeting with Specialist Traynor." 

"Could you…" 

"Yes?" 

"Could you let me into the Captain's Quarters? I've got a present for him but it needs to be set up." 

"Shepard hasn't revoked authorization for you to enter his quarters. I will ensure they are open to you." 

"Thanks." 

"You're welcome, Major." 

Kaidan tries to make his sneaking a little less obvious as he makes his way to Shepard's quarters. As promised, the door slides open at his approach. He puts the photos around the room, the visions of happier times. As he places each one, he thinks about what he might say to explain himself. As he places the one of just Shepard and him on the desk, Shepard enters his quarters. 

He looks up from his datapad and freezes. "Kaidan."


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And I'm back to writing this! I appreciate the patience as I struggled through my Big Bang fic. Updates should be fairly regular from here on out (well, ok, as regular as I can make it). Many many apologies for being so sucktacular.
> 
> Also, this chapter contains adult content. Please be aware and exercise good judgment on whether or not you should be reading that.

"I, um…" Kaidan doesn't know how to start the conversation. 

"Yes?" Shepard raises an eyebrow before calmly walking past Kaidan to toss the datapad on his desk. "What? Where did you get this?" 

He's picked up the photo of the three of them in the walkway, coming out of the Blasto movie they'd seen during shore leave. "It's a photo." 

"I know it's a photo." Shepard doesn't say it but Kaidan can hear the 'dumbass' implied in the tone as loudly as if he had said it. 

"We'd just seen the Blasto movie and you were acting out one of the scenes, do you remember?" 

Shepard's face goes soft and sad for a moment as he stares at the photo, tracing a finger along the people in it. "You wouldn't play along." 

"You remember how you and Ash kept acting it out, though? The two of you ducking around the planters and goofing off in the elevator?" 

"Enkindle this," Shepard says it softly. 

"There are others, I thought maybe you'd like."

Shepard looks up from his contemplations to stare at Kaidan for a moment before wandering around the room and looking at the various photos Kaidan's placed. "That movie, well, it was awful." 

"No it wasn't." 

"Yes, Shepard, it was. Blasto cannot be anything but awful." Kaidan shakes his head, trying to regain control of the conversation once more. "But, well, that movie showed me that you weren't just Commander John Shepard, the great Alliance hero. You were a man with shitty taste in movies and a surprisingly childlike side to you." 

"You play Blasto with your crew just once…" Shepard shakes his head and puts down the photo he's holding to move on to the next. 

"It's when I realized we were friends. You listened to me about brain camp and Rahna and my family and everything. You listened to me and I listened back. You were more than my CO. You became my best friend. I'm not… that is, I'm not the life of a party. I'm never going to have a lot of friends." 

"Really?" Shepard looks up from the photo with a serious expression on his face, making Kaidan nod sagely back to him. 

"Yeah, never had a lot of friends even as a child but after brain camp, it was even harder. I know people think I'm a hardass or withdrawn." 

"Really?" Shepard still looks so serious at him but Kaidan picks up on the way that his mouth is quirking just ever so slightly at the corner. 

"Now you're teasing me." 

"Maybe." 

"Well, anyway," Kaidan pauses to make a face at Shepard. "I started looking at you differently from there. See?" 

Kaidan crosses over to Shepard so he can hand over the still of the two of them. Ashley must've been getting another round of drinks or something. They're alone and Kaidan's looking besotted at Shepard while Shepard's looking the same back at him. Their hands toy with the rims of their glasses. Kaidan doesn't have any memory of the moment but he's so glad that the security cameras on the Citadel captured it so he could get a photo made. 

"I've got things figured out," Kaidan says as his hand reaches out to rest on top of Shepard's. Shepard looks up and Kaidan tries for a smile but he can't right now because Shepard's lips are too close for him to think about anything other than the feel of them on his. 

"Oh?" 

"Yeah." Kaidan takes the photo from Shepard, resting it on the table and backing him up against the wall. 

"What are you doing?" Shepard reaches his own hand out to touch Kaidan's face, tracing along his jawline until he's cupping Kaidan's face. Kaidan can't help but to turn his head and press a kiss against Shepard's palm. His grin comes as he feels Shepard shudder against him as he presses closer and closer until there's barely any air between them. 

"I would hope it would be obvious, Commander." 

"Why don't you tell me anyway?" 

"Operation Seduce John Shepard is underway right now." Kaidan leans in, his lips a hairsbreadth from Shepard's. 

"Oh? Ordered by Admiral Anderson himself? Maybe Hackett? Or is this an unsanctioned mission, Major?" 

"If you only knew," Kaidan mutters, his lips taking Shepard's before Shepard can say anything more, make Kaidan hesitate about it any further, worry over Shepard finding out. There's the surprising softness once more as Shepard traces Kaidan's lips with his tongue, gliding into Kaidan's mouth. The moan slips out without permission, Kaidan arching into the kiss and letting Shepard take control. Shepard's pushing him backwards, walking him to the bed and then shoving him down on it before stripping off his shirt. 

Sitting up on his arms and watching Shepard, Kaidan can't help but to stare as Shepard bares more and more flesh. His hand finds his way to his dick, massaging through his BDUs as he takes in that expanse of skin and scars. 

"You just going to watch?" Shepard asks as he smoothes a hand over his chest and then kneads his own dick. 

"You don't want to put on a little show for me?" 

"We going to play Blasto? You have to be the partner, though. With lust: you enkindle me," Shepard says, grinning like he's made the greatest line of all time. 

"Not on your life." Kaidan crooks a finger at Shepard before laughing as Shepard falls on him, crushing him into the mattress. The weight of him feels amazing. He's heavier than he looks, a thought that makes him remember Cerberus and his doubts as to how real Shepard is but no one could fake that level of emotion over those photos, not with planted memories. Besides, he's not going to bother thinking any more, it hasn't worked for him so far and it probably isn't going to work in the future. Instead, he concentrates on the feel of Shepard kneading his dick and licking up his neck to suck at his earlobe. 

Shepard's hands unfasten Kaidan's shirt while he rubs along Shepard's spine, feeling the muscles bunch and move under his hands. His skin is so much hotter than any skin Kaidan's ever touched. He could get lost touching Shepard and he does, not thinking about the fact that Shepard's sucked up a mark on his neck or that he's arching even further so that there's more available for the next one. Instead, he closes his eyes and traces his fingers up and down Shepard's spine and then along his shoulder blades, feeling the strength in that skin and in those muscles and wondering at it, that he has this when he'd never thought to ask. 

"I have to say, Major, your mission has failed," Shepard murmurs as he tugs Kaidan's earlobe between his teeth and nips it. Kaidan's so caught up in the feel of Shepard under his fingertips and over his body that Shepard's voice pulls him out of the moment, causing his eyes to widen comically both as he's shocked out of his contemplations and the words Shepard actually spoke. 

"My mission? Failed? How so?" He scrambles backwards as his brain tries to figure out a way to explain his orders from Anderson in a way that won't endanger _this_. 

"You're no longer seducing me. I'm seducing you." Shepard touches his face, cupping his jaw before pressing his lips back onto Kaidan's again. "Or do you normally seduce people fully clothed?" 

"I prefer to be slightly less dressed, yes," he mutters, his hands unfastening his shirt and then shrugging it off quickly. "This better?" 

"Be better without your pants." 

"Yeah?" 

"Want me to detail just how much better?" Shepard looks at him like it's a dare. All Kaidan can do is nod in return. Shepard traces a hand down his chest to rub at his dick, kneading and touching firmly. "Wouldn't you rather have my hands on your skin instead of your pants? I bet your dick would be soft against my hand." 

"It's pretty hard right now," Kaidan says, grinning at the dumbstruck face on Shepard's face. Perhaps Shepard didn't think he was capable of dirty thoughts let alone speaking them out loud. 

"Touche, Major, touche." Shepard licks at his lips, taking a moment to drag his mouth over Kaidan's chin and down his neck, following along his breastbone and then further, dipping his tongue into Kaidan's belly button. It tickles, driving him mad as he squirms away and then presses against Shepard's mouth as he increases the pressure. He'd never thought that his belly button would ever turn him on so much. He's never thought he could be this turned on and want to laugh at the same time, especially not with everything waiting just outside the door to this cabin. 

"Shepard," he pants, that tongue driving him deeper and deeper into madness. He's propped up on his elbows and can't look away from Shepard lying between his spread legs. 

"Are you ordering me to complete your mission?" 

"Please," he begs, not knowing what he wants Shepard to do, just knowing he wants more of Shepard's tongue and lips and hands. More of everything that he can get plus whatever he can steal from Shepard. 

"Aye, aye, Major." Shepard looks up, makes eye contact and gives him a salute before licking his stomach. His hands do some fancy maneuvering, Kaidan's pants coming open without ever feeling a thing until Shepard's mouth is sucking the tip of his cock. He's immediately into sensory overload, the vision of Shepard sucking his dick too much for him so he closes his eyes, head falling back though he remains propped up on his elbows. 

He's moaning as Shepard works his cock. When Shepard's mouth disappears, he mewls, a sound he'll argue against to his dying day only to turn it into a moan as Shepard's body covers his, forcing him off his elbows and into the bed as they kiss once more. Kaidan can taste himself on Shepard's tongue and it excites him more than he'd thought possible. 

"Fuck, Kaidan, fuck," Shepard moans, turning each word into four or five syllables as he rubs their cocks together, thrusting into Kaidan's body. 

"Can't… not long… _please_ ," Kaidan manages, barely able to put words together when he's got the weight of Shepard over him, the feel of his scarred flesh rubbing against him and Shepard's mouth constantly trying to consume him. Shepard kisses at his chest, bending over to bite his nipple and Kaidan loses the small vestige of control he's got over his body as his orgasm spills out between them, easing the way for Shepard's own just a few scant minutes later. 

Shepard's heavier when he's not holding himself up, forcing Kaidan deeper into the mattress but he can't bring himself to care as he traces his fingers along Shepard's spine, feeling the muscles clench and release underneath his fingertips as the aftershocks tremble through him. They're both dripping with sweat and even that doesn't disturb Kaidan. In fact, he likes the idea of their sweat mingled between them, being absorbed into his skin or drying on it instead. 

He also likes the image of Shepard lying with his cheek pressed against Kaidan's heart. It's where he belongs and if Kaidan can just keep his trap shut, it's where he'll stay. The communications are encrypted and Anderson isn't stupid enough to tell Shepard what he'd ordered so it has a high probability of success. He's got to believe it. 

Shepard makes to push up, maybe slide to the side or just leave so Kaidan tightens his arms, forcing him back onto his chest. "Stay." 

"I'm heavy." 

"I don't care. Just stay. Please." 

"Your wish is my command, Major."


	12. Chapter 12

Kaidan doesn't think that he's ever been this angry in his entire life and he doesn't think that he'll ever be angrier than he is right now, not that he has the ability to think because he doesn't, not really, not with the anger boiling in his veins. John "I can do anything and I don't need anyone" Shepard just took on a Reaper. By himself. _By himself_. He'd sent Kaidan away as if Kaidan was in kindergarten. Which he damned well isn't because Kaidan's a Spectre, too, dammit, and he'd earned it just as much as Shepard had earned his. It's dismissive and patronizing to send him off to safety while John cavorts with a small rifle, a special scope and the _Normandy_ perhaps maybe _sort of_ providing backup. 

"Kaidan," Shepard says as they strip out of their gear. 

"Don't you 'Kaidan' me," he snarls back. "Don't you dare." 

"I – " 

"That right there is exactly why you shouldn't 'Kaidan' me." Kaidan takes in John's startled face and wants to punch him, as hard as he can, preferably with his biotics behind it to really emphasize it. As it is, regulations and duty are so ingrained in him that he bites back the disrespectful things he wants to say, the ones that come from his heart instead of his soldier side. He pushes the feelings under the duty and says, "You want to talk about this, we can. In your quarters or somewhere else that's private, Commander." 

"All right, Major. Report to my quarters after you finish stowing your gear." John finishes securing his armor, pulls on his off-duty clothes and walks out. As soon as he's out of the locker area, Kaidan leans his head against his locker and breathes, _onetwothree_ in and _onetwothree_ out. Tension has a migraine starting just below the skin, starting around his L2 implant and spreading tendrils of pain further into his brain. 

"You all right there, Blue?" 

"Yeah, fine, thanks," he mutters, rubbing at his implant, trying to massage the tension away. 

"The Commander has a set of balls on him, huh? We're talking Krogan-sized and quantity." 

"Do me a favor, James, and please do not start discussing Krogan balls and whether or not the Commander has a set." 

"You'd think you'd know anyway." James still sounds too cheerful by far for the amount of rage that Kaidan has. It's like James doesn't get how ridiculously unnecessary Shepard's heroics were, how much danger he'd put himself in just because he couldn't be bothered to rely on someone. Kaidan's already told him how many times that he'd always have John's back? Yeah, well, when push came to shove, not like John had remembered that. 

Which is exactly what Kaidan's about to tell John as he gets in his own off-duty BDUs. The fact that he's still in some sort of uniform should keep him from punching his commanding officer, lower rank or no lower rank. Before he goes to John's quarters, he heads to the medbay and grabs Dr. Chakwas's special concoction, palming it as he travels in the elevator to John's cabin. The door opens as he approaches and he strides through. 

"With all due respect, Commander, but what the hell was that?" He stands at attention as the door slides shut behind him and John steps out of the desk area. 

"What the hell was what?" 

John's cluelessness makes the rage double until duty and rank fall by the wayside. "What the hell, John? What the hell were you thinking when you decided that you could take on a Reaper singlehandedly? Seriously, John, we were there and we were able to help, not be shuttled off to safety like daddy's little kids!" 

"I wasn't by myself." 

"Yeah, you had a hope and a prayer that the _Normandy_ would be able to provide the missiles. Do you have any idea what it was like to watch that thing shoot at you like that? Do you know how close it came to hitting you?" He's still at attention, shoulders stiff with tension and anger to the point that he doesn't think he could go to parade rest without having some sort of breakdown because if he even loosens a muscle, then anger will turn into fear. They don't have time for personal fear. 

"Yeah, I was there." 

Kaidan was wrong, earlier. Now his rage is the highest it's ever been. "Yeah, you were there. And where were the rest of us? Huh? We weren't. You pushed us away, as if that would save us. Here's a hint, Shepard, it wouldn't have. We were still within range of that Reaper and we would've died off by ourselves just as well as we would've there with you. How the hell did you get your rank when you're so blissfully stupid?" 

Kaidan's not blind so he sees the way John's jaw tightens as he oversteps the bounds of duty and goes straight into the pissed-off-lover realm. So much for duty and honor. "I needed the Reaper to focus on me so I could target it. I had my reasons and you need to respect those reasons." 

"Yeah, your hero complex is the major reason. I can't have your back if you don't let me!" Kaidan looks at the distance between them and sees a crevasse so deep and so wide that he can't possibly cross it, not if Shepard doesn't grasp the fact that Kaidan needs this, needs to protect him and have his back. 

"This was too big," John whispers as he crosses the room to put his hands on Kaidan's upper arms, squeezing at his biceps. "There wasn't anyone else to do this." 

"There was. There were others all around you that could've helped." Kaidan stays still as John's hands rub at his arms, tracing over the tense muscles. "I need to know that I have your back. I need it so much." 

"You do have it. You have my front, too." John's got a half-grin on his face and Kaidan wants to punch it off of him. "Too soon?"

"You're not a cat. You don't have nine lives. You're lucky you've gotten two. I can't lose you again. Not now." 

"Oh," John murmurs, hands sweeping up to cup Kaidan's cheeks. "You're not going to lose me, not if I get to say anything about it." 

"You can't make that promise." 

"I can't promise to not take risks. You and I both know what's at stake. I promise to weigh the pros and cons, though." John leans forward and presses a kiss to Kaidan's lips. "And I promise to let you have my back." 

"You'd better." 

"I will," John murmurs, pressing another kiss to Kaidan's lips. "So how about that you having my front thing?" 

"You are the absolute worst," Kaidan says back, stripping John, feeling his skin warm under his palms. He could pretend that it's all about ensuring proof of life but it's more than that, it's an affirmation that they're getting onto secure footing, that they're on the same page as they journey along. 

"Just wait until I start using some of the lines that I've been thinking all these years." John winks, making Kaidan roll his eyes as he tweaks a nipple. 

"How about you just do what you've been thinking about and skip the lines? You don't need them with me." 

"I can do that." With a grin, he mouths at Kaidan's chin, touching where he wants, running his hands over Kaidan's tight chest and wondering what it might be like after all this is over, if they'd have the time to get old together, to take time to allow themselves to go, maybe spend some time sleeping in or playing with a dog. He'd had a dog before, on Mindoir, and he suddenly missed it fiercely while he imagined playing with Kaidan and it. 

"You still with me?" Kaidan's voice interrupts his musings, bringing him back to the moment where he has his lips on Kaidan's neck and his hands splayed on Kaidan's chest. "Deep thoughts?" 

"The deepest." John licks a stripe up Kaidan's neck to nibble at his ear. "You give me such hope." 

"John," Kaidan breathes out. 

John's helpless in the face of his name coming off those lips like that so he walks Kaidan backwards, pushing him onto the bed. Kaidan sits up and John pushes him back down. "Let me." 

Kaidan nods, falling back again, arms straight out to the sides as John unfastens his trousers and slide everything off his hips, trapping his knees together. Holding the tip of Kaidan's dick, John presses his nose in to Kaidan's balls, licking at the skin and tasting everything that he can. His tongue traces along the vein underneath before sucking the tip into his mouth, starting a slow and steady bob, up and down Kaidan's cock. When he looks up, Kaidan's hands are gripping at the sheets while his head flips back and forth, his eyes clenched shut. 

He seems so lost in sensation that John wants to taste it so he kisses his way up Kaidan's chest until he's licking his way into Kaidan's mouth, grinding their cocks together. Breaking the kiss for a moment, he fumbles his way towards the nightstand, looking for the tube of lube he's stashed in there. As he opens it, Kaidan's weight lands on his ass, his lips on John's neck while his hands knead at his back. Though he can't see it, he can feel Kaidan sitting on him, grinding against his ass while he works his way through the datapads and miscellany that's accumulated. 

"My turn," Kaidan says, snatching the lube out of his hand when he finally finds it. John makes to push back but, instead, Kaidan pushes him into the mattress. The lube's cold when it trickles into his crack but Kaidan's cock follows quickly, the head rubbing across his ass before pushing up against his balls and taint before dragging backwards. Kaidan's hands entwine with his where the rest against the mattress while John pushes back, encouraging Kaidan's thrusts to be harder and faster. Soon enough, they're rutting against one another, and it's so much more intimate feeling to John than if Kaidan was in him. He's at Kaidan's mercy, lying flat against the mattress while Kaidan fucks against him.

Turning his head, he can barely see Kaidan riding him, catching the rim of his ass before gliding in further, pushing up against his balls before repeating the motion. John fucks himself back onto Kaidan, meeting him thrust for thrust. Kaidan's left hand entwines with his while his right grips John's hip hard to pull him back harder. His eyes are clenched shut, tighter than his jaw which is tight enough that John can see the nerves jumping even from this angle. 

When Kaidan comes, John can feel it coating his balls and dripping along the length of his dick. Kaidan's hand leaves his hip to grip his cock, pulling on him hard and fast, smearing his come along John's dick. The mental image of it alone is enough to send him flying towards the edge of orgasm but hanging his head and seeing it? That sends him right over the edge as his arms give out from under him and he falls into the bed, Kaidan's weight following him down and trapping him completely. He can't think of anywhere else he'd rather be than here, under Kaidan.


	13. Chapter 13

> _Major,_
> 
> _I've attached mission briefs regarding Earth. Shepard's heroics on Rannoch have inspired the troops here. If he can bring down a Reaper by himself, then the forces of the galaxy aligned can do the same. We can win this thing. You've played a major part in that, by giving Shepard hope, you've given the galaxy hope._
> 
> _Anderson_

John can't think of what went wrong, what he could've done to improve everything but surely there's something else he could've done. He should've done. This is all his fault, an entire race, older than any other in the galaxy, is dying in front of him, their planet looks like a worse version of Earth and it's all his fault. If he'd only gotten there quicker. If he'd only moved faster. If he'd only figured out how to convince the VI to release its secrets faster. If only… if only… and Thessia would be whole.

He's already spoken to Liara. He'd felt lost there, too. The destruction of her home world is his fault, whether anyone wants to acknowledge it or not. He's the one that failed to beat Kai Leng, regardless of dirty tricks or underhanded maneuvers. No one knows Cerberus better than he does so he should've prepared for those dirty tricks. 

When EDI finds him hiding in the storage area that's too empty for comfort, he's sitting with his head in his hands, thinking over the situation and how to learn from it, fix it. Do something about his failure and make Thessia's destruction mean something. 

"Shepard." 

"Yes, EDI?" 

"I have more questions." 

"Now's not a good time, EDI." 

"Shepard, it has to do with what we were discussing prior to Thessia and it is now bothering me to not have all the information." 

John doesn't know how to explain, in minute detail, how much he wants to be alone right now without snapping at her. She's been nothing but kind and supportive, in all these years, but he can't talk to her about what it means to be living because there are so many dead. 

She must've taken his silence for agreement, because she says, "John, you once told me it's acceptable if the crew made its own decisions even if it went against orders. I have a question. There have been several communications I've found between a crew member and a member of the Alliance. The nature of which has little to do with the mission. However, it does relate to deceiving another member of the crew and whether or not to disobey orders." 

"Continue?" he says, knowing that the easiest way to get on with his own grieving, facing his own failures, is to get to his quarters and hide from everything and the only way to get there is to allow EDI to sort out whatever it is. 

"Major Alenko has been communicating with Admiral Anderson, sir, but it does not seem to have anything to do with our current or previous missions in anything other than in a peripheral manner." John gestures for her to continue. "It is regarding you, sir, and a mission to provide emotional support and form a close bond with you to assist with the mission but I do not see how that could help nor can I see the benefits of the continued ruse. I was hoping that you could clarify what the benefits of this would be, as you are intimately involved in it. Perhaps that would clarify what decision I would make in a similar situation and whether I would disobey orders." 

John freezes, body seizing up and he swears his heart does, as well, shock causing his system to stop where it's at. He can't breathe and, for half a second, he wonders if EDI vented the air system as she'd threatened a few times because there has to be a reason for the lack of oxygen in his system. 

"Shepard? Commander?" EDI tilts her head, as if trying to figure out what's going on and he can't explain it, can't explain anything because he can't move. Can't think. Can't breathe. "Your pulse rate has skyrocketed while your oxygen levels are depleting rapidly. Do I need to summon Doctor Chakwas?" 

She pats him on the back and air finally surges back into his lungs. It burns as it enters and burns as it leaves, his lungs, his chest, his nose, _his face_ , all feel like they're on fire. Surely what he's thinking can't be real. He's leaping to the worst conclusion because he's already feeling like a failure because of Thessia.

He's a sane, rational human being and he needs further information rather than reacting emotionally with the bare bones of the situation. "Do you have copies of this correspondence? I think I need to see it." 

"Of course, Shepard." EDI stares at him before nodding. "I've transferred the correspondence to your datapad. In addition, I've taken the liberty of securing Major Alenko's personal notes on the situation to help clarify, as well." 

"I'll have to answer your question later, then, after I do the research." 

"Thank you." 

He nods back at her and then heads out, hand consciously loose on the datapad so that he doesn't maul it and break it. There's no way that the information on it can be as bad as he's thinking it will be and he's right, it isn't as bad. It's worse. 

Everything is detailed and logged, from the meeting with Anderson to Kaidan's first stumbling attempts to the kiss to everything. It's all there, rational and coldly impersonal down to Kaidan's assessment of his responses. 

~*~

Kaidan's reviewing his notes on Thessia, figuring out the best way to say "clusterfuck" without actually saying the term, when John comes in. Kaidan expects him to be shattered over the failure to get the notes, knows that John's taken the whole thing personally, taken the failure to heart and put it all on those broad, capable shoulders of his when it wasn't his fault. Isn't his fault. No one would've known that Kai Leng would have that sort of trick up his sleeve. 

That's why he's here, waiting for what seems like hours and probably is. John's shoulders are broad but Kaidan's are just as broad and he'll let John take the brunt of the weight of Thessia while Kaidan bears everything else. "Hey," he says, quiet and waiting to see what John's emotional state is. 

"Tell me something, Kaidan," John says, walking over to the fish tank, staring into it. 

"Yes?" Kaidan stands, strides across the room and puts his hand on John's back, rubbing at the knotted flesh along John's spine. 

"When we fuck, who do you think about?" The words are blunt and completely devoid of any emotion. Kaidan's hands stutter to a stop on their quest to relieve John's tension. 

"You. Just you," he whispers it before pressing his lips against the back of John's neck, just below the biotic amp, feeling the small flinch away from him. "What's this about?" 

"I'm just curious because you close your eyes when we fuck and if, when you're doing your duty to Anderson and the galaxy, if you think about someone else. If that's why you close your eyes." 

Kaidan freezes, brain shutting down, words failing and his world falling apart. "John – "

"You should go." John rests an arm on the fish tank, just above his head and Kaidan wants to put his hands on him, touch the knotted forearm, talk this out, but his brain isn't working, can't think of anything other than rampaging panic combining _havetogetawayohgodheknowshavetogetaway_ and _howdoifixthisohgodheknowsandI'vehurthimohgodhowdoIfixthis_. 

"Whatever you want, John," Kaidan says, going back to the sofa and grabbing his datapads. He's out the door before his brain thinks through both sides of panic for words. It only takes a few seconds but when he turns around, the door's slid shut and it's locked. His knees give out and he slides down the wall until he's slumped on the floor, face pressed to the door wondering what the fuck he's done. 

He's not at all sure how long he sits there until EDI's voice sounds in the hallway. "Major Alenko, I will arrange for your personal belongings to be delivered back to your bunk." 

"Thanks, EDI," he mutters as he raises a hand and traces the metal of the door, fingertips itching for the feel of John's knotted muscles under them, instead. 

"I would suggest vacating the Captain's Quarters. Commander Shepard is not in a charitable mood for his orders to be ignored." 

"Right." He pushes back from the door and then heads into the elevator, mind reeling as he makes his way to the Starboard Observation. The stars do little to soothe him as he slumps into the sofa and watches them. 

He's fucked this all up. It's worse than anything he'd imagined at the beginning. It'd seemed impossible at the beginning but then John's smile, John's little laugh, his true laugh, the one that only came out when Kaidan's losing to him at poker or beating him at chess, all of it came about and, somewhere along the line, Kaidan's bought into the lie. It hasn't been about duty in a long time. 

The datapad blinks at him, taunting him with a reminder that Anderson's asked for an update and the Council wants a report on Thessia. He reaches out for it but then stops with the realization that he's wearing that awful bracelet John had found in the rubble of Cyone. His clothes smell like John, like ozone and battle and spice. Sweeping the datapads to the ground, Kaidan curls on the sofa and presses his sleeve over his nose as he closes his eyes and thinks only of John. 

~*~

John wants to punch something, thinks about heading down to the shuttle bay and asking Vega for a dance as his fist pulls back and then lightly taps the glass, over and over. It's not enough to wipe the feel of Kaidan's lips off the back of his neck. He can still feel the ghost of Kaidan's hands along his back. Snarling, he pushes away from the fish tank and looks around the room, seeing all the little things that speak of two people sharing quarters. Kaidan's spare set of boots sit to one side, _his side_ , of the bed while a mug for coffee rests on the nightstand on Kaidan's side of the bed, waiting to be delivered back to the kitchen for a cleaning. John's never understood the way that Kaidan insists on coffee mugs not needing washed, has always thought it was weird but intriguing, making up one of the many puzzle pieces of Kaidan. But now John wonders if that little habit wasn't invented to lure him in, give him something else to think that any of this was real. 

He's snarling and grumbling as he gathers up Kaidan's things, pulling boots and socks and underwear and pants and datapads and so much stuff for a man that claims to travel light. Assembling them in a pile, John takes one last tour, seeing the shampoo bottle in the shower and the razor on the sink. He can't resist opening the bottle, sniffing at the shampoo for just a second before hurling it at the mirror, splattering it as rivulets run down the glass. 

"EDI," he says, staring at the way his image mutes under the dripping remains of shampoo. "Could you please send someone up for Kaidan's things? He'll need them in his crew quarters." 

"Of course, Shepard." 

All he wants, right now, is a good fight, maybe a good run, just feet or fists pounding along, a good rhythm that'll take his mind away from Thessia and Kaidan. Something mindless and predictable, something physical that doesn't involve light kisses bussed across the back of his neck, just brushing his biotic amp. 

"EDI, is James in the shuttle bay?" John asks before he can regret anything. 

"Yes, Commander." 

"Ask him to stay there and get ready to dance."


	14. Chapter 14

John steps out of the bathroom and heads downwards, knowing that Vega will be down there, waiting to burn off some of the excess energy and outrage that bubbles under both their skins. John figures he's got more than Vega, though, has to because at least Vega hasn't been set up in the worst possible way. 

"Sir?" Vega asks as John steps out of the elevator bay. 

"You ready to dance? Work a little of this excess energy off?" 

"Sure, if you are, Loco." Vega crouches into a fighting stance and then crooks a finger at John to approach. The crooking of the finger sets John off, sends him running across the floor until he's swiping a kick at Vega's knees, trying to take him out quickly only to be forced to bend backwards to duck a fist to his face. 

The first time Vega connects with his face, John embraces it, relishes the physical pain that feels so much better, so much more natural to him than anything his heart and head is telling him. It gives him time away from Thessia, time away from Kaidan, as he pounds his own fist into Vega's gut, doubling him up. 

"That all you got, old man?" Vega taunts as he straightens though he keeps one hand down to protect his stomach. John can feel the maniacal grin on his face as if it's someone else's face, as if he had no idea where it came from but he likes it as he kicks at Vega's instep, causing him to stumble. John follows it up with a savage kick to Vega's knee. "We fighting for real?" 

"Wasn't that what this dance was all about from the beginning?" 

"It's just a dance, Loco. Unless you want to go for real." 

"You saying you're taking it easy on me?" John's fist connects with Vega's temple, sending him reeling backwards. 

"I was. Not now," Vega says, an answering, feral grin on his face.

All too soon, John's busy ducking and weaving, avoiding fists and feet as they make their way around the shuttle bay. He's too busy to think about anything other than survival. Their dances have never been this competitive, this serious. John appreciates it, even as his breath is burning in his chest. 

"Enough. Commander, Vega. Enough." Steve tries to interrupt as John tries for James's neck, climbing up that mountain of a man and wrapping his arm around. "I said enough!" 

Startled at the firm tone, John drops off James, accepts James's steadying hand as they both stare at Steve. "That's enough violence for the day, don't you think?" 

"We were just dancing, Esteban." James's voice is low and intimate, almost purring as he works to appease Steve. 

"That's not what it looked like from here. We have too many people out there," Steve pauses to gesture around, encompassing the whole galaxy in his wild gesture, "trying to kill us that we don't need to do it in here, too." 

"Sorry," John says though he's not sure what he's apologizing for. 

"Don't you think that you're going to get beat up enough by Cerberus? Do you really need to go into that bruised and battered?" Steve waves his hand again, this time dismissing them and then walks off towards the requisitions area. John watches him go, confused and bemused. Just his luck that he compounds his issues by pissing off Steve. 

"I've got this, Loco, go ahead. I'll talk Esteban down." James claps his hand on John's shoulder. "Maybe you should shower. I think the smell is what set him off." 

John can't think of a verbal response. Instead, he shoots up his middle finger and then walks towards Steve, pausing to say, "I _am_ sorry." 

"Take your issues, whatever they are, out on someone other than James." Steve doesn't look away from the screen. 

He's at a loss as to how to respond so he just mumbles, "All right." As the elevator closes, John catches James wrapping Steve in his arms. It hurts more than it should to watch someone else's intimate moments. 

John wonders if Steve actually cares for James or if he's trying to replace Robert, if he's lying to himself and to James. Then again, maybe James is lying to Steve, pretending to care just to keep Steve focused because everyone knows that James Vega can't fly a shuttle and they need Steve in peak form. Maybe he should ask them, find out who was leading whom on. 

The elevator opens up and he heads out of it. By the time he realizes that he's stepped out on the wrong floor, the elevator has shut and moved to another floor. He'd meant to head to his quarters for a shower. Instead, he's on the crew deck and the chance of running into Kaidan is painfully high. 

He hates feeling like he's an invader and doesn't belong on his own damned ship through no actions of his own. All he'd done was take a chance, one chance to have what he's wanted for so long, what he's dreamed of for so long. He's tasted it and it'd been so good but it hadn't been worth this aching gnawing feeling in his gut. The worst part is underneath the anger lurks embarrassment and mortification. How many people had known that Kaidan was leading him on and hadn't told him? 

EDI had known and never said a word, not until she had a question. Had Joker known? What Joker knows, EDI knows and what EDI knows, surely Joker knows. And the man hadn't said a word to him. Neither had until it was too late and he was too invested. 

Then there's Liara. Liara's the _Shadow Broker_ , for fuck's sake. If anyone in the galaxy knows a damned thing about anything, she does. She even had copies of Anderson's notes to Kahlee Sanders. If EDI had copies of something happening so far away, then Liara had copies of Kaidan's reports to Anderson hidden in there and she hadn't said a word. 

He can barely make eye contact with any of the crew as he walks through to get to the battery room to talk to Garrus. Had the entire ship known that he was being toyed with? Did they, too, think that he was so close to a mental breakdown that Kaidan had to whore himself out to keep John going? Did they think that he was working with Cerberus and only a bedmate could keep an eye on him? 

Did everyone think that he was so weak that he had to have a lie to hold him at night? 

He'd like to think that he stalks into Liara's quarters with righteous indignation but, unfortunately, it's more with hurt and upset. She's working at her terminal, looking up when he walks in. "Commander? Is something wrong?" 

"When were you ever going to tell me?" 

"Tell you?" 

"Don't lie to me. Not any more! You knew and you said nothing. So were you ever going to tell me? What possible motive could you have for not telling me?" 

"I don't know what you're talking about. I've told you everything that I – "

"Bullshit, Liara! You had letters from Kahlee Sanders to Anderson. You had a senator's personal datalog of a communication about evacuation and a donation of eezo. You knew the Citadel needed platinum just as they were asking for it and you're telling me, with all that information, that you had no idea that Kaidan was ordered to sleep with me, pretend to care about me and that he was reporting to Anderson the whole time? Really? What sort of Shadow Broker are you?" The words fall out in a rush, tumbling over one another as his rage builds, the loss of Thessia disappearing, for just an instant, as he rages. It's a good thing that he has to pause for a breath and that, in that pause, her face collapses as tears form because he'd been about to say something truly horrid about her being the cause of Thessia's downfall and not knowing anything about Kai Leng but he doesn't, can't, in the face of her suffering. It doesn't make him any less angry but he likes to think that it makes him less likely to be hurtful. 

"I thought it would be a good thing. You deserve someone that loves you."

"Ordered to love me." 

"Loves you," she reiterates as she stands and puts a hand on his forearm. "I've seen it, from our earliest days together. You've cared about him for so long and he's cared about you for the same length of time, whether he knew it or not." 

"How could anyone not know that they loved someone that much?" 

"The Major is a very particular man." John interrupts her with a derisive snort, making her shake her head at him. "He is bound by rules and regulations, his own morals blinded him to how he felt but his actions spoke loud and clear. He has been more open since the two of you reunited and then, since you acknowledged your feelings, he has loosened up even more." 

"I can't trust a single thing that comes out of your mouth," he says, more resigned than hurt, over her position. With her speaking behind him, he strides out of the room and into the battery. 

Here, at least, he knows that Garrus hadn't had a clue about the set-up because if he had, Kaidan wouldn't have been around to do it. The only thing Garrus hates more than someone messing with his beloved calibrations are the Reapers and the only thing he hates more than the Reapers are things that interfere with his ability to kill Reapers. "Shepard." 

"Garrus," he answers in the same tone. He doesn't know what to say or how to say it, he's stuck with all this rage and upset inside him. 

"Make yourself useful and hold my wrench." Garrus waves a wrench at him and Shepard goes deeper into the battery area. 

"Bet you say that to all the boys." 

"Just the ones that know how to use one." 

"Was that a compliment?" 

"Was it?" 

John shakes his head at Garrus but does as asked, holding the wrench steady while Garrus does whatever Garrus does to calibrate what he's working on. The rage cools a bit while he works with Garrus, the quiet acceptance helping him not think about Kaidan and the betrayal, not think about how Anderson set him for this and the betrayal there, too. He doesn't have to think about soft lips on his neck or the feel of Kaidan over him or around him. 

He ends up not speaking to Garrus about the situation at all and that makes him feel better, gives him the confidence to stride through the _Normandy_ with his head held high.

> _Admiral,_
> 
> _I regret to inform you that I am no longer able to complete the mission you assigned me._
> 
> _With all due respect, I want it noted that I told you, from the beginning, that this would end badly and I was correct._
> 
> _Major Kaidan Alenko_

His hand's on his dick as he wakes from the haunting dreams and John's name is on his lips as he strokes one, two, three, four more times and spills over his hand. Flushing red with embarrassment, he cleans himself as best he can, gathers his things and then stows them in his trunk. From there, he heads to breakfast and finds so many other little things to do so he can delay a bit longer because he hasn't come up with the words to explain to Shepard.

Maybe he spends a little too long in the Engine Room for his head, the migraine tugging at his skin, as he avoids John. _Shepard_. Dinner time doesn't last longer than it takes him to scarf down what food is easily available and then he's hiding in the Observation area once. He justifies it in his head that he's not really _hiding_ per se but more that he's giving Shepard the space to do what he needs to do as Commander of the _Normandy_ without worrying over whether or not Kaidan might be around. If Shepard needs him, EDI knows where he's at. He just hopes that Shepard needs him because he needs Shepard. 

~*~

John finds himself curled around Kaidan's pillow, his nose pressed deep into the cloth as he holds it close to his chest, half laying on it like he's done to Kaidan so many times in the past few nights. Amazing how quick he got used to the sound of Kaidan's breathing next to him, the rise and fall of his chest under John's cheek, the feel of his skin there for the touching any time he wanted it. 

During the day, as they head towards Horizon (and isn't it always around Horizon that Kaidan crushes John?), John's able to suppress the feelings, ready for calm and cold professionalism towards Kaidan. He's gotten a glance of him, perhaps asked EDI for Kaidan's location, a few times as he makes his way through the ship. He's not going to hide simply because Kaidan obeyed direct orders from a superior and slept with John. 

During the night, however, Shepard's unable to deny himself the hurt, the betrayal and the longing. He's never had someone, never wanted someone like he did Kaidan and to find out that the only way someone would ever return his feelings was to be ordered is a blow to his ego when he's already shaky with his abilities after Thessia. The only thing he knows is that he's going to take all of this out on the Reapers. 

"Commander? Admiral Anderson is waiting for you." Specialist Traynor's voice pulls him out of the moment.

This isn't a conversation that John's wanted to have. Not right now, when he's still curled around the pillow that smells like Kaidan, missing him so much he can taste it. Not ever because he respects Anderson, perhaps, if his parents hadn't died when he was so young, he'd be able to identify his feelings as love. At the very least, Anderson is the one person in the galaxy that John respects the most. This betrayal almost hurts worse than Kaidan's, for much more deep-seated reasons. 

"Please let him know I'll be there in a minute," he says as he rolls out of bed and starts tugging on his uniform. 

"Of course, sir." 

He stills his mind, focusing on the mission, thinking of what they're going to find on Horizon as he walks into the communications room. Anderson is standing at ease, hands clasped behind his back. "Admiral." 

"Shepard. Son." Anderson looks uncomfortable as he starts and stops.

"Yes, sir?" John mirrors Anderson's body language. 

"We do what we have to, to defeat the Reapers, to save Earth." 

"Yes, sir." John nods respectfully, as if he's having a mission briefing and not discussing his love life as he suspects.

"It was never about hurting you." 

"I know, sir. You saw a need I might have and tried to provide me with the tools to fulfill that need. Speaking of requisitions, Hackett sent word that the Geth have contributed far more than we thought they could and the Shadow Broker has provided needed supplies." 

"I got the same briefings, Shepard. We can discuss that later. I'm trying to apologize here." 

"There's no apology needed." 

"Yes, there is. I saw your feelings for the Major and I set this moment up. I had had hope that Major Alenko returned your feelings and that this would follow a natural progression. Everyone deserves happiness, especially in times of struggle." Anderson gazes off to the side, clearly lost in thoughts that have nothing to do with Shepard. 

"I know about Kahlee Sanders, sir. I'm sorry that you were denied that opportunity." 

"We do what we have to. Look, Shepard, I'm going to say this once and then we'll never have to talk about this again. Major Alenko cares for you, just like you care for him. Don't let my actions mess that chance up for you like I let… well, like I let outside influences sabotage my own chance. Whatever the beginnings, you have something real." 

"I appreciate your candor, sir." 

"Now let's talk about what's next," Anderson says, shifting into a more comfortable position as they step away from John's mess of a love life.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Without reddwarfer beta reading this, trippingelves (tumblr) cheerleading me on and elanorofcastile listening to me wibble, this fic wouldn't be nearly as good as it is. They offered bunches of encouragement and improvements throughout the writing process so I wanted to pass on my gratitude to each of them.

He's gotten so good at avoiding Shepard that when Shepard appears in front of him, it's a shock to see him. His heart seizes before his pulse takes off running. Almost dropping the datapad in his hands, he barely realizes what his body's doing as it leans towards Shepard. 

"Major." Shepard doesn't even bother with eye contact before continuing along his way. The word's so cold, so impersonal that it grates on Kaidan's nerves. 

"John," he says to Shepard's back, looking down and missing the way that Shepard flinches. 

~*~

It's odd to think of going down to any hostile place without Kaidan at his back. He's gotten too used to his presence, too used to thinking that Kaidan had his back, and his front, too. Still, John does what he has to and puts Garrus and Liara on his roster as he prepares to head down to Horizon. By now, everyone knows that there's something broken between him and Kaidan, which should make for an awkward landing party. 

When he climbs onto the shuttle, he heads directly up front to speak to Cortez. By the time he makes his way back to the crew area, there's no Liara. Instead, Kaidan's snuck his way aboard. 

"Major, I don't remember ordering you on this mission." 

"I'm more familiar with the planet and equally as adept as Liara with biotics and tech. From a technical standpoint, my assignment made more sense. Upon discussing it with Liara, she agreed." 

"Last I looked, I was the Commander." 

"Last I looked, I – "Kaidan bites off the words. John wonders what he'd been about to snap out but then his control, his damnable control, slips into place. "Shepard, we're on our way already." 

"Fine." John launches into the mission briefing. He's surprised at how easy it is to still trust Kaidan at his back, even with all the horrors they encounter along the way. Whether it's force of habit or the comfort of knowing that at least none of them are capable of this level of atrocity, Shepard doesn't know which. Staring into the tanks of what used to be humans, he doesn't really care, either. None of the mess between them matters when it comes down to what they're seeing. 

When they get back on the shuttle, Miranda's death haunts him. He'd cared about her, owed her even more and he hadn't been able to protect her. Coming on the heels of Thessia and then Kaidan, he can feel his resolve breaking, his ability to handle everything shattering. Perhaps Anderson had been right, that he needed some sort of anchor in this craziness, some sort of _sanity check_. Giving a derisive snort, he shakes his head, shaking the thought off. He needs an anchor and saving Earth's going to be it. Anderson should've seen that instead of adding more to his burden. They both should've given him the time to come up with his own anchor. 

He's so deep in thought that he doesn't feel Kaidan sit down next to him until their shoulders bump. For just a second, one weak-willed second, he presses back, taking comfort in that gesture. Then he shakes that off, too, standing in the back of the shuttle while they head back to the _Normandy_. Of course he sees the way that Kaidan stares after him, he'd have to be blind to not notice it. Still, he stares straight ahead, focusing on the next step, going after the Illusive Man. 

Once they finish the process of docking, John doesn't bother to take his armor off immediately. He strides up to his cabin, choosing the change there for the added privacy. 

"Commander?" 

"Yes, EDI?" 

"I am sorry if my question upset you. It was not my intent to cause a rift between you and the Major." 

"It's fine." 

"I find that humans have a tendency to say that in situations when they are anything but fine. Why is that, Commander?" 

"We hope that it'll be fine, eventually, and if we tell ourselves that often enough, it will become reality." 

"Similar to how everyone continues to say that we will beat back the Reapers against insurmountable odds?" 

"Yeah, I guess. Faith's a helluva weapon." 

"But, Shepard, in this case, your faith did not work. Your performance on Horizon was much less optimal than any other previous mission while the Major has rejoined the crew." 

"It will, eventually." 

"I've run through the various outcomes and the situation where you discussed what happened with Major Alenko had the highest probability of success. If you continue to ignore him, our chance of success against Cerberus is reduced by forty-three point six five eight percent." 

"Is this your way of giving relationship advice, EDI?" 

"Jeff remarked that the two of you should, as he put it, 'talk your shit out before we all get killed'. My first reaction was that it did not make a lot of logical sense for you to put yourself through further emotional distress. However, after running the various scenarios, it turns out that Jeff was correct." 

"I'm glad you're both so invested in my love life." 

"We are all concerned about optimal functioning of the entire crew." 

He doesn't know how to respond to this. Instead, he rubs at his temples, trying to work it out as he sinks onto the edge of the bed. After a deep sigh, a second more of a temple massage, he says, "Send Kaidan up." 

"Yes, sir." 

He sighs again, a deep breath to remove the tension from his shoulders and then dresses, pulling on his off-duty uniform. Normally, he'd choose his casual wear, especially here in the privacy of his own cabin, but he needs something to keep this professional. The door chimes just a few seconds after he finishes fastening his shirt. 

Feeling centered in his uniform, he strides to the door and opens it. Kaidan's on the other side, shuffling from one foot to the other foot. John steps back, gesturing for Kaidan to enter. "Come in." 

"Shepard… I – " Kaidan says after they're in the room with the door shut behind them. 

John doesn't want to hear whatever it was that Kaidan had started to say. "You never had to do it. That's what you and Anderson don't get. I always had other options. I picked you, Kaidan, but I could've had anyone else. I had plans to meet up with Steve for drinks and a few other things on the night you confessed your made-up crush. I picked you and it's the only thing I've ever regretted in my life. Did you really think that I was so unworthy of anyone's affections that someone had to be ordered into it? 

"You didn't just humiliate me and use me. You stole those possibilities from me. Have you seen Steve with James? Have you seen Steve's smile? The one he gives right before he kisses someone? It's attractive, so much more attractive than the grimace you gave me for so long. I thought it was because you were shy and wanted to take your time. I thought it was because you wanted to build something more than just physical but now I know it's because you didn't care, you didn't want it. Didn't want me. Guess it's true what they say, if you close your eyes, it doesn't matter what hand's on your dick or what body's underneath you. How'd it feel to go through with it anyway? " Shepard rakes a hand across his scalp and interrupts Kaidan before he can do more than draw breath. "No, I don't want to know. I don't want to know anything at all about it. You've stolen enough from me. I don't need you taking any more of my pride or my time." 

"But, please, let me explain!" 

"You know, an ex-friend of mine once told me that the worst enemy to have is one that's ingenious and ruthless. He must've been speaking about himself." 

Kaidan visibly flinches, taking a step back and pushing a hand against his heart. "I know you're hurting, John, but that's over the line." 

"Is it really? More over the line than fucking me on orders? More over the line than, than – " John throws his hands in the air and turns, pressing his face against the aquarium for a moment, hiding as much as he can. He can't help the shudder that races across his entire body when Kaidan rests a hand on his back. 

"It started out that way. Everything started out as a lie and, yes, I was ordered to start a relationship with you. I fought it but not as hard as I could've. I pretended, at first, to myself, that I was doing it because Anderson told me about my father going missing at the same time that he was asking me to go through with the charade. It was easy to make the decision when you were so supportive, listening to me about my dad and how scared I was. You're a very intimidating man. You were when we first met and you've only gotten worse over the years as you helped more and more people. I wondered what you saw in me, if I was just another project for you to fix. Poor, lonely, Kaidan Alenko and his inability to get laid. Man's so socially awkward that he can't even get a pity screw at a bar by a drunk Asari." 

"Never," John says it so fiercely that he knows he'll eventually forgive Kaidan everything if Kaidan says he still cares because he's always been willing to do anything for Kaidan, has always been here waiting for him. Even after Horizon and after this. If he proves that he cares, physically and verbally, John's going to forgive him because John loves him, needs him around. He hates himself in this moment. 

"I'm not asking for us to take up where we were or become what we were but I'd like us to try to work together. Earlier, in the shuttle, when you were so cold, I've never seen you that way with anyone. It hurt, even if this isn't about me." 

"You're damned right this isn't about you. It's not even about me. It's about Earth. That's why I'm talking to you and that's why I'm willing to keep you on my ship. If it was about anything else, I'd ask for you to find another assignment." 

"I appreciate your candor," Kaidan says, hand still resting against John's back. "I can't tell you enough how sorry I am. I never meant to hurt you. I tried to decline but…" 

"But you did it anyway." 

"When we were at lunch, I just… I wanted to taste your smile. You'd never looked like that." Kaidan's hand drifts up John's back until it massages at the back of his neck. John should push away, keep this on the fellow service members level but he can't help but lean his head just a little farther forward. He feels like an addict for Kaidan's touch and his words. "And now I'm probably never going to see it again. I'm sorry, even if it isn't enough, I'm still so sorry for hurting you and not figuring out a way to tell you." 

Kaidan's presence at his back disappears. John turns, looking for him and finds him standing at parade-rest. "I appreciate that you're willing to allow me to stay on, sir, even after my actions." 

He's going to regret this but he says it anyway, "Perhaps we could have a quick drink, later, work on our reports on Horizon together." 

"Thank you," Kaidan says, smiling at him, head tilted to the side. "I'll be on my way." 

"Dismissed," he says, professionalism still mostly intact. 

Within hours, Traynor has the location of Cerberus's base of operations narrowed down. They're no sooner heading that way than they're making plans on what they're going to do when they get there. It's a flurry of calls and conferences, strategy meetings and gear checks. They're as ready as they can be but it doesn't stop, even after John finds himself in his cabin, pacing with datapads surrounding him. 

It's too soon, too ridiculously stupid of him but he allows Kaidan to enter his cabin and lure him into that quick drink. Kaidan kisses him and he feels like that addict again, needing the taste of Kaidan on his tongue and the feel of him against bare skin. The worries and the memories disappear under the weight of Kaidan on top of him. He'll deal with the rest of the fallout later, when he wakes, when he no longer has this to center him, give him that hope and need. It bothers him that he's allowing this to happen but not enough to stop it. If he's going into a mission that has the odds so cleanly stacked against them as to be laughable, Shepard's going to take this and go back to hating Kaidan, hating _himself_ tomorrow. 

_You're real enough for me_ follows him, keeps him going throughout the Cerberus base. The fact of the matter is that he feels more grounded with Kaidan at his back, feels more capable of taking things on, whether or not they're sleeping together. It's the years of history and the way that Kaidan's never blunted what he felt about something, has always told him the truth until this moment so that when he says that he's sorry, when he says that he regrets it, John's inclined to believe it. Fool him once, shame on Kaidan and he's ready for the fool-me-twice, shame on him. In the end, pride be damned, he just wants to give Kaidan a second chance. 

As they race along to Earth, race through to the main base, John keeps thinking that he has the time to work all of this out. Even after John tells Kaidan that he'll be waiting for him and Kaidan better show up, even after they fight their way through banshees and brutes and more nightmares than anyone should have to work with just to get rid of a Reaper, even after they're racing for the beam, John thinks that they have time to rebuild what they had and make it strong again. 

Then time runs out, goes molasses slow as the vehicle rockets over him. When he turns around, he watches, in horror, as the vehicle crashes along until it obscures Garrus and Kaidan. His heart climbs into his throat and refuses to leave. He's not proud that he hesitates for half a second before he leaps over the vehicle that just leapt over him to find that Kaidan's been hurt. He's bleeding and it looks so serious that he can't do anything but radio for the _Normandy_ to take Kaidan to safety. It's this moment when he realizes that they don't have the time to rebuild them, to take it slow and learn trust and affection again. So he says goodbye in the only way that he can and tells Kaidan that he loves him. 

When the Reaper's blast fills his sight, he thinks he can see Kaidan reaching for him through it and he reaches his own hand out to touch and be touched one more time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And... that's all she wrote. I figured, before I get flamed for ending it where I did, that I would explain my choice to end the game where I did. 
> 
> With the variety of endings available for ME3, I could either pick my own ending or leave it for you, the reader, to assign your favorite ending of the RGB(P) variety. The fic was always meant to dovetail into the canon of the game. It's why I didn't get into the missions and why I filled in the blanks in between the canon scenes. 
> 
> Readers go into most mShenko fics knowing what ending the author chose. In this case, I feel like, if I'd continued it past the Extended Cut, I should've warned, from the beginning, as to which ending I chose. It felt rude to suddenly spring [xyz] ending choice on you at the end of the fic. So, thus, I chose to end the fic where I did so that I didn't spring an ending choice on you. 
> 
> I'm fairly certain that I'll get calls to write a sequel (unequivocal ego on my part) and I'm going to state, just in case, that a sequel is not in the cards at this point. Maybe later but I have a bunch of other stories I'd like to tell in the meantime. 
> 
> I think a betrayal of this sort is hard to get over, if it even happens. I'm a fairly untrusting sort so, for me, I would never forgive but I'm also not facing the end of the universe and needing the person who betrayed me to help me save the universe. 
> 
> I truly do appreciate each and every kudos and comment. It's taken me an appallingly long time to get to this point and I thank you for your patience with me as I've fought through horrible work schedules, writing my ME Big Bang and all sorts of other impediments to getting this finished.


End file.
